As I sit here on the floor leaning up against the couch, I look down at my watch as it glows 4.43am. I hear Helen speak from the little ball she is curled up in a meter or so away and smile as she makes chooks out of keyboards. Fight Club just finished and as the cold air swirls round my feet and teases me, plays with the temperature of my body, in this moment I am happy. I look to my left again and despite all the argument in the world about not being tired Helen is curled up under a small blanket with her eyes closed and what looks like a small smile on her face. The glow of the computer screen seems to sting my eyes every time I come back to it, these eyes that could close and stay closed for ever, but long to stay open and not miss a moment of the rest of my life. I could sit here and tell you all about how much better off I am, how much happier I feel. I am no longer stuck on what I used to think was ok, I am no longer caught up in what I thought was fine for me. Instead of sitting and not living life as I wanted I am living life and sitting where I have always wanted to be. To me friends are not people you have never met, live 1000km away and you only hear their words with your own voice as you read aloud what everything they type. If you tell me a story about a "friend" of yours but have never met them then take a step back and have a good look at yourself. Its ok to talk to these people, most of them are amazing, but don't let this be your network of close friends.

In this moment I am happy,

I don't wish you to be here I just wish you to hear these words in my voice as you listen to these things with you eyes. You don't have to, and I don't want you to tell me you understand me, because I don't understand you , and I don't care! These things I write wont, but I could make them rip right through you until there is nothing left of you to take apart. Don't try and beat me at my own game, because you know you will never win. I have a way with words and these words are never ending so take a stab and let me know just where in your pathetic self indulged flesh the words sank in. If only I could see your face as you hear this though I never will because its not possible, I just want you to know your out, and I'm in, its my time and only this cliff that we are both on as one we fall, using your selfishness and your attitude to break my fall.

In this moment I am happy?

I look back to Helen and as she lays there she has no idea I am writing these exact words, though I don't think it shows. So I will lock you away now and throw away the key, just remember you are out of my head and you will never be back!

In this moment I am happy!

As I sit, leaning up against this couch I hear the small noises of the xbox, the hum of the fridge and the swirl of a CD spinning in the player. These simple things only make me smile just that little bit more as I know that life has just begun for me, this is it, I have found it. I dare you to try and figure me out, because I have changed, for the best. But you cant beat me I will always win and with these words I am armed and ready to fire at any time just let me know when you want to begin.

In this moment I am happy.

Friends I love and would never trade for anything and as it may seem more then she is not and we are just friends. So take another look at this blog and re-think everything you just thought...

In this moment I AM happy