Hey everyone.  I put a podcast up.  I hope that you all will take a minute to listen to it. Its a song my brother wrote and when Brad and I got married...he sang it at our wedding.

It was just 5 months later that we had his funeral, in the same church we were married. Its so hard to believe that I stood their.....on one of the happiest days of my life and then stood at the front of that church 5 months later...on the saddest day of my life. He was my only sibling growing up. It was only a few months before he died that we learned that we had a sister over in the Phillipines.

We didn't get along growing up. We were only 17 months apart. He was this skinny kid that everyone picked on until he was in high school. I had to protect him from everyone. I guess I should have been protecting him from the person that killed him. He is missed so much. We grew up so differntly. I learned from him to stick up for myself to my parents. He didn't take their crap. He moved far away just so he didn't have to be "mommied". I miss him so much.

I would give anything for just one more conversation with him. I hold on to the few things I have from him like they are him. His fiancee, sold the guitar that he died holding.....said she needed the money. Sold it to some guitar place that he bought it from.  Very expensive. He died holding it. Why would you want to get rid of it and yet....keep his picture album from when he was growing up? I am angry with her. I hunted that guitar down....and bought it back. Had to pay twice what they bought it from her for....but....it was worth it.  They were together for only 9 months. He apparently was leaving her.....I only found that out after he died.  I would never tell her that, but I am angry because the things that he had and collected from when  he was a kid.....she won't give to our family. My children are the only neices and nephews he has.....I am the only sister...besides the one he never met except for talking online too. I had to fight for his bible. She is Catholic. She let the dog chew on his bible.  How disgraceful of her. My brother was only 30 years old.

I want to hug him. I want to kiss him. I want to protect him again. I want to know why he died. Why he had to do it one more time. Why he took the joy from our lives.  Why my kids have no uncle. Why he didn't come to me if he was hurting that bad.

He called me that night. I wasn't home. Brad didn't tell me until after the call telling me he was deceased. Yes, her dad called me at 6 am. I will remember his words for the rest of my life. "This is Missy's dad, Robert (last name) has deceased." Cold. Untouched. I  am sure it was a hard call for him to make......but.....feelings.....compassion....pain would have been taken more. Maybe I am just remember it like that because of the pain I am feeling. 

I should have protected him.  Protected him from his killer. Protected him from himself. 

Sadiee Lady