I always have a feeling that I am pretty resistant to change...this goes for the good and the bad things in life...
And as I sit here, early morning of 3rd July, 2009 I can feel an evolving sensation, maybe cos of the ending of yet another eventful year, maybe cos of the realisations of all that I did in this one year...good-bad, victories-failures, love-not much love, and going through several sessions of Love-heartaches (I know...I just cant ignore this feeling, had to mention it twice ;))
Well, the beginning of this "special day" is not the same, and I have to accept...not what I unconsciously expected :-|
I can feel somethings amiss, and knowing what it is and not doing something about it is the usual course of the human psyche, and I think this is what it is with me (I thought I would be writing something else that is happening with me, as opposed to the usual path trodden by the brains, but am too a part of the herd :( )
But as we all know, knowing the problem is not the end of it...Yes, it is definitely the first step towards solving the problem, but one can't forget that, that is only the stepping stone.
It does not mean that one can find/wants to/or will definitely find the "answers"
Right now, there are innumerable thoughts looming in my head, they are so entangled, that I dont even know exactly which one is indicating what..
It definitely cannot be cos of my Pitcher of Beer here, or the longing, the eagerness (and this reminds me that I am actually out of adjectives. Gosh, this seems like the 3000th time I'm using these words *arrggghhhhh*) or the stubbed smoke..
This seems like yet another night of being with myself...and anyway, what is so special about the day steadily coming my way??!
Life aint possible like this, but I am still sitting here in this corner, watching, silently, if I may add, each day passing by.
Which means, life IS possible eitherway...
The worst part being, I know like sooo many positive lines ever made for anybody who is even a tad low or negative.
But knowing those crappy lines doesnt help, cos you know your supposed (unwanted) "knowledge" contradicts every negative and positive thought alike.
The crux being, you/one..lemme say "I" here, hate to mention, worse, write that I am unhappy and and can feel this sadness seeped deep inside me. Knowing that I have everything a lucky child of God could ask for...
Does that mean, I am greedy, unthankful and highly dissatisfied with the blessings I fail to count ???
Well ,the best way to put it in one word is this, "I can feel a CRACK in my heart"
and I carry it with me day in and day out, and whatever I do, it just doesnt gets filled up, or never evaporates.
This constant state of feeling so, is extremely hurtful...and I know I am running out of words yet again !!!
I know I cant take this for a lot of reasons...but the fact being, I still do
So well, I know this is definitely not the best way to start such a day...but what can I do...
I CANT FAKE IT !!! (Thank God, maybe)
p.s. I dont know the last time I felt so, but right now...I feel like watching a movie with lots and lots of blood, anguish, hatred, and definitely a numb, cold heart !!!
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