So, I guess I come off sounding like I havent seeked help for this stuff before.

But truth is I have been to doctor after doctor for years. Same with phychologists. You can only do that for so long, then it just get to be redundent. They really dont help that much. They mean well, and I have had a few very good doctors. But its not enough to stop it all, it so beyond them.

I was on Lithuim when I was first diagnosed ( 10 years ago ), good way to make some one want to kill themselves. Because it not only stops the rituals and habits, it turns off all emotion, it turns off your brain completely. Its like a medicated labotomy. And not to mention the stream of medication they tried on me after that didnt work. Its all the same "Just stop the brain completely, cut off emotion, make them feel like death."

My family knows and understands my OCD, but as far as the eating disorder, they dont need to worry about that anymore. They have enough from me to worry about, why add one more thing to thier plate.

I think alot of people have a hard time understanding OCD because its behaviors very so much. I know that my eating disorder is just part of my OCD, its the control I need. Its the perfection I obsesse over.

I think the only time I can really relax long enough to hear myself think is when I pray,and when I am reading my bible. Its like god allows that time for me to talk to him, and to allow me to hear him speak to me. He knows I need that more than I need the air I breath. I cant pray every second of the day, and I cant read my bible every minute. I feel like if I could I would be normal.