Well,

I guess I start this out by saying hello.

Today is like any other day I guess. Working, then getting ready to go home and sleep. Normally I work out at the gym after work, but today I really feel like crap. So sleep is a bit more important at the moment. Even though I really should work out. I ate too much today. Ha, like everyday. But yeah, just cant motivate myself to do anything but sleep today.

So yeah this was the introduction. Okay.

I am 22, Married to the man of my dreams. He is amazing. And I am working to put him through school right now. He is going to school and majoring in Culinary Arts, can you believe it! An anorexic married to a chef. Haha, talk about ironic. Anyways, we have been married for 3 years and I can honestly say they have been the best 3 years of my life, other than one thing. I gained way too much weight.

Of course recovery will do that to you. Ha, and what a joke that is too. Recovery, i just dont think that is ever a solution. It doesnt go away, its not like you heal and **POOF** you are normal again. No, no its not at all like that.Recovery is basically everyone forcing you to eat and watching your every move till THEY feel secure with you because you piled the fat back on that they want you to have. It really doesnt have alot to do with healing. At least in my case it didnt. It was just like being on some kind of house arrest. So, I fell big time. Gained alot of weight, I mean alot, I am talking like way too much.

So Here I am back to the start with my life and my weight. Its all I focus on. I have dropped 30 pounds since last year, so at least I am not tipping the scales at obese anymore. I am always counting calories, starving, cleansing, and repeating the process. My binging has been out of control lately, so I am back to purging too. Doesnt matter what you consider purging: laxatives, puking, flushing, you name it I do it. I just have to see my weight drop, if I dont..... I hate myself and feel like I have to punish myself for failure.

I know there are people out there that understand. And I know I may get a bit of crap from people on this, but I dont care. I need to let it out, so here is my outlet.

Agree or not. People look down on those who are over weight, all the fat jokes, teasing, and stares in public. I have been on both ends 82 lbs my lowest weight and 173 my highest weight, and truth is, its easier being thin, it easier starving, its easier than being over weight in every aspect. If your thin your accepted, dotted on, people admire you, and are always kind. 

One of my favorite things is when people call me "tiny" like "Oh you are just so tiny", I especially love it when my husband calls me tiny. I feel protected, I feel delicate, I feel loved, I love myself, I actually care about myself and feel success for that brief moment.

Twisted perspective, I know. I am aware of it. I am not nieve to that fact. So dont attack me with that.  

So there you have it. I am distorted, aware, but cannot change it.

Peace be with you all and god bless.