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Ten years .... such a long time, and yet, it goes so quick. So often I do not realize that time passes, until I see a specific thing, or hear a song that brings back a flood of memories.
I was looking at bubblydi's blog, and heard a song by REM, Everybody Hurts. And yes, the memories came flooding back.
Not memories that I want to keep alive, but yet, they seem to keep themselves alive.
Dad passed 10 years ago. To say it was a shock, is a rather huge understatement. I saw dad the week before, and we made arrangements for a future that would mean that he would be moving in with me. See, dad was getting old, and to my mind, should not have been alone anymore. Non the less, the arrangements where made and I was blissfully happy knowing that I would have this opportunity to have my dad around.
Nightly telephone calls confirmed that we where still on track for the move the coming Friday. Dad stayed over 700km's from me, so yes, this was a seriously big move for him. But I was confident knowing that once he was with me, things would be ok.
Thursday night I phoned dad, but he was not there. So I thought not to panic, but to get some sleep, as I had this long and tiring drive the next day, as well as the moving. Dad's room was ready, and my daughter was eager for grandpa to come and stay. My sisters and brother all agreed that it was best for him to stay with me, as we where very close. But most importantly, Dad agreed as well.
Came Friday morning, I was awoken by the phone. Looking at my electric alarm clock, I realised we had a power failure during the night, and I was late, very late. I ran to answer the phone. And my life became bottomless.
It was a police officer, enquiry about my details. Once all the details where confirmed, I was informed that my dad committed suicide in the early morning hours. He took an overdose of heart tablets.
I was histerical, not knowing why, why dad? I put the phone down, knowing that I had to let the rest of the family know. But I had no strength. Eventually, I phoned my mom, and somehow, even after being divorced for 20 years, she knew.
My daughter was by my side, not knowing what was really going on. After explaining to her what had happened, and what I had to do, she was numb from shock. I realised that I still had to make the journey ......
And I did. While taking the 7 hour drive, the same thoughts where playing out in my mind. Why did you do this dad? Why now? Did you not realise that by ending your own life, you have taken a big piece of mine and my daughter's life as well? I kept on thinking, that not ever again will you see the beauty of a sunrise dad, or the lovely sight of a rainbow. You will not see my daughter grow up and become a beautiful woman. But most of all, I will never hear you call me sweetheart again. Your strong and loving voice has been stilled, not by God, but by your own hand.
I turned the radio on, and "Everybody Hurts" started playing .... it brought me back to the harsh reality that yes, everybody hurts ..... but it is how we deal with this hurt that is of vital importance.
I managed to do what needed to be done for my dad, and life carried on. But, until the end of time .... I will remember that everybody hurts ... and we, as mere mortals, do not have all the answers.
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I am so sorry about your Dad.My heart breaks for you.I lost my Dad unexpectedily 2 years ago, and like you the void is ever so present in alot of things I do...I feel your pain...My mother and a brother died 11 years ago to, and it still hurts to this day without them here, but I know one day I will see them again.
God bless you for sharing this....
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Posted by Hollis
on 2008-03-27 07:22:05
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Oh hun, you brought tears to my eyes.
I am so sorry you had to go through that.xx
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Posted by bubblydi
on 2008-03-27 10:28:02
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Reading this now, it saddens me that he is not still around. but in a way, I have come to accept it.
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Posted by Theresia_Harvard
on 2008-04-26 14:49:45
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Hollis, only when we loose a parent do we realise the total impact that is has on our life. I, too, am sorry that you have lost both your parents. It is almost impossible to carry on having lost so many loved ones. But, God never gives us a cross to heave to carry.
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Posted by Theresia_Harvard
on 2008-04-26 15:01:06
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