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Back before reality TV, I used to say that I needed my own show, where a camera man would just follow me around all day long and watch me stumble through my day. The idea was that after watching me people would feel a whole lot better about themselves. They would watch the show and thank Almighty God that they aren't me.
You see, I am the single biggest klutz that ever trod this planet. I have never seen anyone--fictional or real--who is as clumsy as I am. I do more clumsy things before leaving the house to go to work than most normal people do all week.
I am constantly tripping over something. Curbs, toys at work, rugs. Or, I also have the skillful talent of tripping over absolutely nothing. Tripping over nothing was something I liked to do in high school in front of popular kids.
I cannot walk into or out of a room without hitting the doorframe with my shoulder, arm or hand. It's like my brain can't comprehend that I need to move a few inches to one side or the other.
I am constantly dropping something.
I feel the need to spill my drink. If I am pouring a drink, sometimes I completely miss the glass.
When I try to step into a pair of jeans I stumble around like a drunk.
At least once a day I must dribble what I am drinking down the front of my shirt.
I frequently bang my head while getting into--sometimes out of--my car. I also tend to roll my hair up in the window.
If I am reaching for something, say, on the counter, I miss. My hand is going for it and like walking through the doorframe, my brain stops working and my hand slams into the counter instead of moving up to inches to go above the counter and reach the desired item.
When I do touch the item, a pencil, tissue from a box, my keys, it usually takes several tries before my butter fingers will pick the thing up.
I can be standing right next to the trashcan when I am going to throw something out miss it completely.
I don't chip my nails or break them like a normal person. No, not me. I have to break them way down into the quick. I mean halfway through. I usually have to bandaid my finger and wait for the nail to grow some so that I can cut it. That's how bad it is. Also, I don't break my nails when I do things like slam my hand in a car door--which also happens. No, I break my nail down to the meat when I'm doing something like fastening my seatbelt.
I nearly gouge my eye out everyday while putting on mascara.
I try to knock myself unconcious with the hairdryer.
TIP OF THE ICEBERG, people. Boy, could I go on. I won't even get started on how forgetful I am. How every blasted morning I have to go back inside because I've forgotten something.
I was a clumsy klutz in school. I had hoped it was just part of the awkward phase of growing up and that eventually I would grow out of it. I am in my early 30's and still as clumsy as ever.
I sure would like to be normal, if only for a day. It's so exhausting being such a buffoon.
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Posted by ThelmaLou on 2008-09-02 13:47:21 | Rating: | Views: 33
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UPDATE
Today I walked into the doorframe at least twice that I can remember, and it almost happened again a little while ago. It didn't because I realized what was about to happen and literally had to turn sideways to avoid slamming my shoulder into the frame.
I also tripped today while walking down the hallway at work. Once this morning, and again this afternoon. Oh, did I mention that I tripped over NOTHING?
Love it.
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Posted by ThelmaLou
on 2008-09-03 21:43:05
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