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I dreamt of him again. He's been on my mind constantly. But it's hard to keep him out. He swamps my thoughts when I'm alone. The way his smile used to light up a room. His sparkling green eyes and how easily I could get lost in him.The way his redish-brown hair flopped over his eyes all the time. Or the way he smelled. A kind of mix of soap and mint.
I hate it when people say everything happens for a reason. It can't be. What was the reason behind losing him? I cry a lot about that. When I think of things he'll never do. Things I never got to say to him. He'll never get to vote, that's the problem with dying at seventeen. He never got to have a 21st birthday, or get married. He'll never have children, or grow old. Is he trapped in his teenage body? I hope not. He was so much older in mindset. One of the last times we hung out, was a little after his seventeenth birthday. We were hanging in Josh's backyard. Me, him, Josh, Sammy, Dean, and Drake. We were all goofing off. Eventually, late in the night, we decided we should sleep outside on the grass. His idea. He said we shouldn't be contained by houses, structures of cement and wood, when we could be sleeping on the dewy grass. So we did. I was sixteen. And desperately in love with him. Though I never got the chance to say anything about it, I think he knew. Somehow. In the way he smiled, and put his arm around me when we all squished in the car for runs to the store. Sammy fell asleep on josh's shoulder that night. Somehow I managed to end up with my head on Conor's chest/stomach.
I remember just laying there, listening to his breathing and thinking "I want to marry this boy".
And I feel asleep so easily, my head resting on him, feeling the rise and fall of his body each time he took a breath. Before falling asleep, I remember he reached up and ran his hand through my hair. Just a simple gesture, and I still think about it. And how much I felt I loved him. He made me smile in the simplest way. He made me believe in love. And still, to this day, I haven't found myself so attracted to or loving to someone in the closest way I did him.
Hearts are broken everyday, And yet I love you so.
I never got to tell you how much, before you had to go.
I miss you more and more each day, my heart still tender from the loss.
December's the hardest part of the year, my heart grows cold with frost.
~Conor P. December 12th, 2005~
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