Let me start off by saying that I never thought I would actually have one of these things, by using the word things, I vehemently condone all of the connotations associated with the word thing as if it were said by a mother inquiring what specific rodent the family cat had killed and brought home as a peace offering for continuously shitting in that silly little box in the corner of the kitchen. I dislike blogs and all people who use them. I especially dislike the word blog itself. I am always reminded of some large, pink, amorphous beast from a Goosebumps book I read as a child. Doesn't make sense? It doesn't have to--this is a blog. If I've picked up on enough from the media (and I think I have) that is kind of the point of blogs. Although there will always be that small collective of people who think "oh I totally get what he is saying!" You don't, stop thinking that and go do something useful like making me a sandwich (rye bread preferably, unless its peanut butter and jelly, in which case two conditions must must be met: 1. You have no meat available to you. 2. You have crunchy peanutbutter. If these two conditions are met, I will accept the fabled PB and J on two slices of pasty white Wonderbread). Frankly my fingers don't have the chutzpah to keep ranting about my disdain for blogs and bloggers so I'll skip to the part where I explain why I now am a member of that sect of the human population I dislike.

I have no desire to be banned from Facebook. While my thoughts are not inherently hateful towards any one person or group of people (okay, sometimes they are) I tend to tip-toe that fine line of appropriateness. With FB having the strict "love everyone and everything" policy that undoubtedly a tree hugging, democratic, hari krishna invented in their spare time between saving lost causes and complaining as a sport, I can't post a lot of what I think. This paragraph alone would have gotten me banned by a pimply faced grad student that takes out his frustrations in life (the aforementioned pimples, ineptness with the opposite sex, lack of recognition for academic achievements by the general public, and the fact that his level 21 druid just got beat on WoW by an 11 year old with a cheat code) on the average guy that he secretly wishes he was. So I must take my inner thoughts elsewhere.

Why write down my thoughts at all you ask? Because if i didn't my head would explode from their accumulation. Its simple science really....The head is a confined space. Sure there are several cracks and openings, but none of them specifically designed to release thoughts. I suppose you could consider the mouth as the likely source for thought expulsion, but then again its likely full of that delicious sandwich I requested earlier. Therefor the pressure inside my head due to the increase of thoughts would cause it to burst one day, like the 4 of every 10 water balloons purchased at the dollar store do before they're ever thrown, leaving nothing but sadness and all the "what if's" like what if I wasn't a cheap-ass and bought them at K-Mart... then only 2 of 10 would blow before their time. Now, I know what you're thinking.... "I don't have a blog and my head hasn't burst yet." That one is simple too. You don't have enough thoughts. The point of all of this is... despite my best efforts to avoid something as heinous as a blog, the things in life that are the worst for you like cheesecake, skinny dipping, and hand to hand cougar fighting eventually find you and you have no choice but to succumb.

And stop thinking that hand to hand cougar fighting won't find you... in fact you might want to start training on children and lesser wild animals like the raccoon. You don't wanna be caught with your pants down when it happens, mostly because I'd like for you to live long enough to hear me say "told ya so."