Thoughts.com Blogs - I will survive?????????????

This is hard. One week ago today I woke to my husband not coming home. He was out with the guys the night before. He said he would make me proud with his drinking. He wouldn't drink to much. He never came home last Saturday night. He called after 1pm and said he was staying at the friends house. He would see me in the Morning. Trust yourself when you feel something. Somehow after all I've been thru I forgot that. For months which now I can admit, I knew. I guess I didn't want to face it. No one wants to admit that someone you love does not love you back. I convienced myself that he wouldn't do that to me. Not again, not HIM! I need to feel love. It is not expressed soley by words but by actions. His actions showed me different. I know I bitched (in his mind) about the drinking. Any person who truly loved someone who almost died due to drinking would. It's funny how someone can tapped into your mind and make you feel like you are truly crazy. How they can make you doubt yourself. I have been here before, I should have know. I should have done so many things differently. My mind keeps playing things over and over again. I know I did nothing wrong. I loved him. I supported him thru sickness. I worked three jobs to help make ends meet. I have to keep telling myself that I am not to blame. I did not cheat. I did not give up. He never came home Sunday. He never came home to sleep in our bed again. He came home to tell me he needed a few weeks. There was no one else he promised. I was the one who had changed. He did not know who he was coming home to. He told me he knew I was not going to like his decision but he was not changing his mind. She called him that night. I was there when she did. He pretented it was someone else. Again I knew. I picked up his phone and dialed. He let me take it from his hand and watched as I dialed. She answered. She was my friend. She told me she was sorry. She didn't mean it to happened. She loved him. He had spent the weekend with her. I trusted him when he said he was with the guys. I always had trust in him. I worried about him out and drinking and driving but never worried about him out and cheating. There was no remorse from him. He did not hold me when I cried. His face was cold. I am pissed at myself for not seeing this. I am pissed at myself for allowing someone to make me feel less then I know I am. I am pissed at myself that even as I right this I cain't get mad at him. That somewhere back in my mind I think I could have done something different. I know that this is crazy, but it's hard. I know it takes two to make or break a marriage. So I sit here and wonder what could I have done differently. I can not figure this out. He stopped by the other day. He said he can not look at me. I know this is out of guit, but this small part of me hopes that it is because he loves me. He tells me to in there. He tells me to not give up on us with tears in his eyes. Then he leaves. He goes to her. He sleeps with her. My friend. My head is screwed up enough right now. I need to hear the truth not lies. I know where this is going. I did not give up on us. If he truly wanted to work this out in the smallest way he would have stayed or went to be by himself. He did not do either. I know he doesn't love me. You do not do this to someone if you do. He doesn't need to fill my head with little hopes of a tomorrow. I know. I need to find the strength to trust my heart. He feels guilty nothing more. He wants her but he doesn't want me or anyone to blame him. Sometimes I do not think I can do this again. I can not get mad at him. "He is sick" I keep saying. They both have drinking problems. I can fix this I tell myself. I can help him. I know I need to put myself first for once. I am trying to do this. At times I think I make progress. At times I feel like giving up. Again I think about THE DANCE. That truly wonderful song by Garth Brooks. I look for the beauty of this relationship. "I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance" This time I don't know if I can say that. The pain is to great. This time was the dance worth it???????????