If you have never listened to THE DANCE by Garth Brooks take the time to do so.   I am now starting over my life for the third time.  This is not what I wanted but sometimes life is not fair.  I am grateful.  There are so many who have it worst off then myself.  I do not want to be consumed in self pity.  I do not want to ever look back and have any regrets.  I am who I am today because I have survived.  I have cried more then I care to admit.  I am human. 
I lost my first husband at the age of 21.  He was my first, my everything along with my son..  I am proud of him.  I am proud of me for raising this fine example of what a man should be.  The pain of losing someone you love with all your heart is undescribable.  Like the words in the song, "I could have missed the pain,but I'd of had to miss THE DANCE." Without The Dance there would be no Josh. ( I love you son. ) There would be no beautiful memories of being loved beyond what words could say.You go on, you do survive.  The pain does begin to die and life does go on.  You never forget.  You have grown.
I remarried and my life took a different direction.  New possibilities and memories to create.  After seven years I found out he had been cheating on me for a very long time.  Sure I got angry.   I was hurt.  I felt like I couldn't go on.  But life does not give you anything you can not handle.  Without this relationship my son would not have learned to play hockey.  At age 26 he still loves the sort and is good at it. I learned about cars and racing along with  many other things I knew little about.  Again, THE DANCE comes into play.  Again even with all the pain, I would not have missed The Dance.
My next and current husband was to me God sent.  He made me feel special again.  I found myself again.  After being cheated on you tend to be hard on yourself.  I loved him to the point I thought I could never love again.   We have had our problems but we always managed to get thru them.  I have learned to sail, I went skydiving, and together we have fostered over 40 dogs until we found them a forever home.  We have gone thru sickness and job loss. Sometimes the stress was almost unbearable.  But you become stronger.  My husband has a drinking problem.  It almost killed him.  It has been hard.  I want to help him, but it was not meant to be.  Two days ago I found out he was having an affair with a friend of mine.  She also has a drinking problem along with other issues.  I can not eat or sleep right now.  I do not want to start over again.  I do not want to see him die from drinking.  I had my first counciling appointment tonight.   This is killing me.  The person who I trusted with my life has let me down.  Someone I supported thru so much. I know I will get thru this in time.  I was told to start journeling my thoughts tonight.  So I write this.  I am not sure what I am doing right now, but I believe there is a reason for this.  Someday I will be able to see the meaning of THE DANCE in this relationship.  Right now I am just numb.