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He finally showed up to 'talk". Three weeks later and he finally came over to let me know what was going on. He wanted to know if I could change and accept his drinking. He is still convienced that he doesn't have a problem. It is now MY problem. I made him feel this way. I bitched too much. He's not saying he wants me back. He says he loves me but he can't take the way I make him feel when he's only had a few drinks. I hate the words a few drinks. I still believe a few affects him like a whole bottle. It was a few drinks that made him walk the walk of trying to appear normal. It was a few drinks that would cause him to slur his speach. It was a few drinks that would cause him to appear as if he was in another world. Staring at the ceiling looking at me but staring through me. It was a few drinks that caused him not to remember what we talked about the night before. He blames the new medicine the doctors put him on. I don't doubt that it was the wrong medicine for him. But he was only on it for a few months. This has been going on for so much longer. So what do I blame for all of the mess. What do I blame for an affair with a friend that has been going on for 6 months. If it wasn't drinking what was it? Was it just me that bitched to much about the drinking that drove him away? He says the ball is in my court. I have to be sure I can handle all of this. In one breath he says it is not me, but all the other words he says puts the blame on me. I still blame myself a lot. Was it really so bad that I couldn't deal with it? Was it so bad that I am better off without him? There are moments when I feel like I have been alone in this home for the past years that yes I cam better off. Then there are the moments when I don't want to be alone at all costs. I asked him to go to therapy. Not now he said. He spent the night with me. He then said that was probably not a good idea. That he felt that he confused me more by that. Then he got up and left and went back to her. The person that the night before he called a crouch. Someone he claims he knows is not the person he will stay with. I don't get it. I am trying to be strong. I am and have always fought for us. I never left HIM when He was sick. I am the one that finds myself always apologing for all this mess. The truth is HE left, HE cheated, HE picked up the drink, HE walked out. I am not stronge enough when I see him. I know what I should do, but get lost in the "what could have been" thoughts. I still want to DANCE in life. This DANCE may be over and I'm not sure what I am doing or thinking. I am not sure what I feel anymore. |
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Posted by TheDance on 2008-03-02 08:06:55 | Rating: | Views: 138
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oh my friend, you and i live in parrellel (spelling not right?) worlds. i swear we do. my spouse is an alchaholic, but it's my problem not his. him beating the shit out of me and then saying "you made me do it" and then denying the whole thing the next morning (must have walked into one too many doors that nite). he also has a "friend" on the side. he tries to make me think i'm crazy by putting things on me. it's my fault this and my fault that. why did i make him do this and that. it never ends, never. i can hardly wait til my debt is paid and i can leave with my things and nothing else. i live for that day. you should never settle for anything less than the DANCE OF A LIFETIME. neither of us should. lets dance together for our respective lives. sisters?? yeah!
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-03-03 07:53:28
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Thank you for your kind thoughts and advice. Sometimes I think this is harder then when I buried my first husband. At least I knew he loved me and he had no choice in leaving me. There are times when I feel like I am soo strong and there are times when I feel so unsure of myself. Friends like you make a difference and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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Posted by TheDance
on 2008-03-03 19:05:42
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Sounds like you are better off without him. Anyone who abuses a substance and blames it on you needs help. If he is willing to get help, stay with him and try to work through the issues. If he is just asking you to stay and deal with whatever is being dished out, it sounds like a bad situation and a lot to ask.
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Posted by sexykellitrent
on 2008-03-13 17:25:15
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