I feel now that I have to be more careful as to what I say here.

A friend of mine read my blog.  And now she knows that I like the Pastor.  (She's laughing at the irony as much as I am.)  She told him about my blog.  

I can't stop blushing.  Damn you, Mulia!

I really like him.  I mean, really really. He's smart, and gorgeous, and funny, and awesome.  Yet, he's so far away.  I can't help but be selfish.  I want to hang out with him.  Possibly cuddle with him.  Don't ask me what else, because I don't want to say.  He is a future pastor.

Now, there's just the whole, What do I do about the Airman?  He's cool, and all that, but he has a girlfriend and, while he says that he's not happy with her and thinks that we should try again, I don't know if I want to be attached right now.  Especially if something could actually happen with the Pastor.  (Notice how I capitalize it now.)

I mean, I still don't know yet, because of distance and other people, and I don't know if he's wanting to have an actual relationship, seeing that we are still getting to know each other.   The Airman and I know each other, and all that good stuff, but...

I asked the Pastor about the "guys," and he says that I should go for guy# 3.  Bryan says that I should just say "fuck it" to the first two guys, and tell guy #3 that I want to do him.  (Which is not what I'm going to say.)  Of course, Bryan doesn't like Number one, and doesn't believe in second chances.  The Pastor pretty much knew that he was guy #3.  I want to see what happens with him, but I don't want to hurt the Airman again.  Either way, I would love an actual relationship with either one of them.  Both of them would be rather strained, but I could deal with it if they could.  At least I talk to the Pastor pretty much every day.  And he's in school, not the military.  The military always screw things up.  

The only thing that worries me are the facts that:

A) The Pastor will get to know me better and what I worry the most will happen - my personality will clash with his pastor-hood-ness, and 

B) The physical part of the relationship will be a problem.

I know that that makes me look like a slutty bitch, but I can't help it.  I'm a sexual deviant.  What can I say?

Speaking of which, at this point in time, I would really like to hang out with SamJam. Not for sex, per se, but just for the physical show of affection.  Of course, it means absolutely nothing, seeing that he has a girlfriend, but I only want the feeling.  I just don't want him to get attached, and all of a sudden break up with his girlfriend, thinking that I want a relationship with him.  I don't.  I just like hanging out with him.  We never get to now, and his girlfriend is starting to freak out on him, but, I do like hanging out with him. He's a cool dude.  We don't have much in common, and I wouldn't date him if I could, but he's a cool dude.

So, in a nutshell, I'm falling for a guy that I don't know if I can have.  I don't want to hurt the guy that I can have.  And I want the physical affection, but not the emotional part, from the guy that I will never have.

Life's a bitch.  Just don't tell the Pastor, Mulia.