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So it took a friend (and they don't even realise it) to realise the shit I've been doing wrong the last few weeks. Around 1 3/4 years ago, my good friend Charlie sent me a a copy of a text message she wrote for her ex boyfriend. He'd dumped her about a month before hand, and now he wanted her back. She was obviously hurt by the breakup... but I helped her to not go back there (I was crazy for her, and I wanted him to f*ck off as much as she did)... and in the process, she fell for me. Anyway, he was sniffing around... asking her about guys that were hanging around and all that... and she sent him a rather... straight forward message telling him to back off.
I happened to be going through old files on a hard drive from my old laptop recently... and found this message. I sat there and read it over and over... and felt that gutted feeling you get when someone puts you down infront of your friends. When I first got the message.. I was single, and chasing the woman who wrote it (Charlie)... and I knew from that message that she wasn't a woman to fuck with. So, when I got my chance with her and fumbled... I didn't fuck around with her, I left her the f*ck alone... and moved on as best I could. Whats interesting in this moment is, that I can picture Christine saying the exact same thing to me.
This is what shocked me most. The last few weeks, I've only been thinking about my own personal bullshit... about how much she's hurt me and so on. But what I should have been thinking, was "move on... she's dropping you like a sack of old shit, get over it". The contents of the message that Charlie wrote to her ex months ago are the only thing that scream this to me. Even if Christine had said the same bloody thing to my face HERSELF, they wouldn't have sunk in.. it just goes to show how thick I am.
Charlies ex, Daniel (ironic... she dated a guy with my name... and then proceeded to date me) was a clingy man. He obviously loved Charlie... but had issues of his own that he really needed to work out. He must have known this, so he broke it off with Charlie in order to get his life back on track (the message I got from it all...anyway). The moment he walked off the scene, his best mate (not me..I don't even know this guy very well) tried to get into her pants. At the same time, I was showing interest in Charlie (but I wasn't looking for a fuck) and this affected things completely. Unfortunately, Daniel never told Charlie what he intended to do, or even discuss it with her... and Charlie took him leaving her as a "goodbye". His best friend never had a chance... Both Daniel and I told her that he was big trouble... and he'd only use her and dissapear. This was when Daniel and I started talking... Charlie had mentioned to me that he was sniffing around again... and I, in an attempt to piss him off so I could show Charlie my style of love, tried to talk him into leaving Charlie alone. Remarkably... I succeeded in getting him to move on... for a little while. Charlie found interest in me, and I eventually went to see her. While I was there, things weren't going as smoothly as I'd dreamt. Charlies mum was pulling crap on the kids, Charlie was upset alot... and Daniels ex best mate was still trying to get into Charlie, knowing fully well I was there. I wasn't helping either. I tried to be there for her, and also keep my distance when I felt like I wasn't welcome. That lasted about four days... and then she started calling Daniel. I got really jealous... and I took it out on her. After all, she'd shown complete interest in me... and she was now appearing to run back to the ex. I took only three days of this crap... and then told her I'd fuck off unless she proved to me that she wanted me there for more than just a friendship. Really bad idea... she told me that she was still in love with her ex... and I was crushed. Within a day, I was on a train and heading back home.
I knew what the biggest mistake I made was as soon as I made it. I gave her a choice. I should have just kept my mouth shut... stood there for her when she needed me (I did this while I was there... at least 4 times I fell asleep with her holding me tightly), and did anything I could to not get jealous. What I am really glad about... is that we didn't do anything drastic... like fuck. I can't understand why, I felt like I connected more with Charlie than I did with Christine... and Christine and I made love. Charlie and I spoke to each other... listened when we needed someone to talk to.. and we spent alot of time together, just... I can't even find a word that descibes it. We touched each other in non sexual ways... we shared moments together that one could only describe as "out of this world". I remember laying on top of her one night.. we were just chilling out listening to music. I looked at her dead in the eye... and it was the first moment I ever felt like I really wanted to kiss someone. That moment was when I knew I was falling in love with her. We didn't break eye contact for at least an hour. Love songs playing from my laptop, and we were looking at each other lovingly. Who would have thought that three days later, I'd be on a train home telling myself that I'd never love another woman... or let another woman take me away from my family. And to this day... I hate myself for running away from her like that. Thats probably why I was burned so badly by Christine for walking away before the situation could allow itself to be fixed.
Charlie is the woman, I feel, I'll love for the rest of my life... and I just wish I could tell her that. She's happy with the man she's dating now, and I'm happy for her... I don't want to ruin anything. I wish there was a way to tell her I still love and care for her alot, and I'm always here as a friend whenever she needs me... without sounding like some kind of creep that can't let go of the past.
Who would have thought... one moment could leave an impression on someone for the rest of their life. Its one of those moments I constantly cherish. Thankyou for allowing me to share it with you.
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Posted by TheBoneCollector on 2008-07-06 20:32:53 | Rating: | Views: 42
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hi bones...
wow...that's a lot of relationships going back and forth over time...it's a complicated space you live in.
i dunno, it's just an opinion for what it's worth...but maybe you need a fresh group to bend an elbow with...all that history has got to be stifling...and this charlie is involve...so where is that gonna go?
i don't mean to be negative but reading it, it almost even sounds old to you.
good luck
:)
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2008-07-06 20:43:13
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Thanks BDSM.
Yea... I really need to get out of "lonliness" I constantly feel. I'm *hopefully* getting a job soon, so that should introduce me to new friends and take my mind off all the other crap.
Thanks for reading... and commenting!
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Posted by TheBoneCollector
on 2008-07-07 21:23:23
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