It's amazing what shame does to a person.
For the longest time I thought that maybe being in love, would make me happy. Maybe thats the problem... The fact that I chase love, demand it... and then when I have it I don't want it. I know I hurt people when I do this, Hell... they hurt me in the process... but maybe it was my fault to begin with.

I have no pride, and thats because I'm not proud. I've never been proud of myself. I'm proud of alot of people, Like my sister, my 2 little brothers, My little mate Justin, and his mum, and my girlfriend Christine.
I've hurt all these people, at one stage or another, promised one thing, said another. I tried to walk away, forget what I'd done... but Guilt ontop of greed and other things change my mind... and I turn around and come back.

I'm alway being told... you don't know what you got 'till it's gone. So true, thats why I missed Charlie... my ex gf. A few weeks ago, she came back into my life... after silence between us for a year. I jumped at the chance of being able to get the answers from her that I wanted, but I ended up falling for her again. I don't know why, but I did. I did what any man would do, and I was truthful to my girlfriend Christine. I told her I still have feelings for charlie, and I hurt her by saying that. But, instead of walking away from Charlie... I was determined to keep at her. I wanted answers, and I drew myself so far in, that Charlie could now hurt me any time she wanted. Christine, being the good person she is... Stood by me, even though it hurt her. I guess I pushed to far with Charlie, because I snapped and tore her down to shreds... and told myself I was a fool for believing I loved her.

Now, Charlies gone... Christine is rebelling against me... and I'm paying her out for hurting me. But, it dawns on me that maybe I'm in the wrong, maybe I'm the one who should step back and fix the wounds I inflicted on her. Now, I have no idea how much I hurt her, but we're a step away from breaking up, and Charlie is part of the reason, as well as me and my asshole ways, my lack of smartness during this whole relationship, and thinking that certain things I do could fix it.
There is no magic glue, sticky tape or anything that can hold her and I together. Just my willpower. I want this to work, I want this to be love... because it can be what it once was! I remember back when her and I were happy.. we were well and truly in love... now it feels like we've been together for years.
What do I have to do to keep this from sinking under.

This means to much to me...