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| 19/06... Thinking About Love/Being Alone... (among
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Another night alone.
I'm kinda getting sick of it... Sick of thinking about her, and sick of being alone. The songs I listen to, do nothing but remind me of the two... and I really just want to kill the pain the easiest way. I get money tomorrow, so a bottle of scotch will stand the test of time tomorrow night. Right now, I'm listening to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Guardian Angel... and trying not to relate the song to her. I can't describe the feeling I have right now... All I know is, I wish I had a caring woman near me right now... I really just want to fall asleep in a womans arms. I guess thats the problem with me... I worry to much about the current situation, instead of doing something to fix it. I would do something about it... if I could find the right woman, who would be willing. The funny thing is... theres only one woman I want to do that for me... And she's taken, and miles away from me. Given the chance, I'd like to think she'd take it... and come to me. But the sad fact is, I think she's just being polite... trying not to hurt my feelings. If I told you how in love I was with Charlie, no-one would believe me... not even Charlie. Love is to unpredictable... but you can't walk away from it. Thats what they say, but I have walked away from love. I walked away, and turned that love into hate just to stop myself from hurting so much. Whatever love I had for Christine is well and truly gone, I know that... Instead, it's replaced by ten times the ammount of hate. Everyday I wake up and say "I hate her for the promises she broke... and the fact that I was legitimate in my promises...she didn't love me enough to give me the chance I was asking for... so she can go and get f**ked".
Maybe life will get better for me. Maybe when I stop drowning myself in alcohol, get myself a little action... and a job, I'll get out of this hole I'm digging. I really wish I'd never met Christine... I was so much happier without her than I was with her. If I had a choice between 6 months of no love, no sex... or minimal love, and lots of sex... I'd go without. I've gone 2 years without sex... I can sure as hell do it again... if I have to. I hate to say it... but I think this last heartbreak is turning me into a woman hater. I've always been afraid of this... Afraid I'd lose the respect I have for women... but every woman I've given my heart to, always ends up stabbing me in the back... and stripping me of any pride and happiness I had with them. So fuck it... If a woman wants my respect, she can earn it. Men have to do the same, so women can follow suit. For to long, I've let women walk all over me... I've poured my heart out for to long over the fakest of women... and they seemed like the ones that were real! Maybe its like this: The "fake" women are actually worth your time... where as the women who you think are worth your time, are "fake". No offence to the women out there that actually have a caring personality... You really need to encourage people to be more like you.
Maybe when the women I bother to give my time to... actually accept me for who I am (instead of trying to change me)... Then I'll bother going to all the trouble of winning their heart. I'd prefer it though... if for once, a woman would fall head over heels for me (without me having to fuck around to get her that way).
Sorry for the wall of text... I'm tired, hungry... and upset. When I get to thinking without alcohol... its hard to gather the necessary skills to function properly. If anyone wants to get drunk with me... PM me and we can meet at the local watering hole at 8pm.
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| Blog Comments
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there are really certain people who will come into our lives and turn us into haters ( a woman-hater as for you and a man-hater as for me) and the saddest part of it is that they're the ones whom we have loved the most. but well anyways, time will heal you. have fun, why won't you try that? just for the sake of forgetting for a while the pain, the hurt, etc. and don't worry for someone will come into your life someday that will make you really forget about what you're feelin right now. goodluck to you.
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Posted by waitin
on 2008-06-19 09:39:29
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when my first boyfriend of 4 months dumped me. i was devastated to realise that altho he had led me on from the beginning to believe that he cared only for me, i trusted him n so fell in love with him, i told him i wanted to be happy n was afraid of being disappointed he said he was messed up so badly by his ex-wife he'd never do it to me, yet his parting statement to me showed i actually meant so little to him. i was dismissed with just a goodbye email, he said "i had a nice time with you but now i think the best thing to do is to end our friendhip" - he wouldn't even admit it was a realtionship! i was so hurt. i had poured my heart n soul into this relationship. i cared for him n gave him my heart. it would have been easy for me to turn into a 'man hater' but that would be too narrow minded a view, n would short change myself in that i'd lose hope i'd find a decent sincere guy. So i am telling u the same. Sometimes we want someone so badly we end up driving or scaring the person away. There is plenty of love in us to give just as there is lots of room in our heart for someone to fill it with unselfish love. Don't break your own heart, altho someone may have done it, its up to u to mend it n not let it be permanent. Perhaps u can look at it as a crack that will heal in time cos u love yourself enough to will it to happen and make yourself whole again.
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Posted by 40fabulouslonely
on 2008-06-21 12:43:54
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| Views: 146
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