| View Blog
|
| 17/18-06... Whats on my mind.
|
|
|
So I was thinking today, about one of my ex girlfriends. I dated her way back in highschool, and I had heard that she recently had a baby. Considering rumours had come to me over the years, of her doing drugs and being a victim of rape... I was a little worried. Now, I've since moved on from this woman... I had an argument with her months ago that ended up in me blocking her on IM. But it had me thinking... If I had stayed in highschool, that baby could have been mine. I probably would have stayed with my highschool sweetheart, had a baby... and kept her out of trouble. But instead... I chose family over my heart, and moved away. I hated myself for hurting her so badly... but I always felt that she could have done better than me. This eventually had me thinking... Could I even be a dad? Christine and I had been trying for a baby when I was with her... but I was always questioning myself about how good of a father I could be. Christine told me I'd be a great dad... but maybe she was just saying that because she wanted kids. Thats since changed though... as the last time I spoke to her, she was thinking about going back to school and improving job aspects (or fobbing off excuses and excessive bullshit to me just to make me upset at the fact that she was moving on... or she was trying to make me think she was moving on when infact she's hurting massively and regretting ever leaving me). Anyway... I keep thinking... I do want kids, but I'm only 18... and I still have 2 of my teen years to live, and I won't stop sperm production untill my 50s... so why tie myself down now?
I am worried that now I've lost Christine... I also lost the one woman I had the balls to chase after. Its sad... but for some reason I think that I'm now destined to be one of those guys who live alone for the rest of their lives... those guys you keep thinking are gonna bolt out their front door and kidnap your kid for their own sick twisted needs. No.. I won't become one of those... but I don't want to be stuck trying to pick up girls at the pub for the rest of my life...
Which brings me to love. While right now, I hate the word... and the feeling... I know that one day, I do want to fall in love again. Only, though... with the right woman. Who that will be... only time will tell. Obviously... it was no-one I've been with, otherwise I'd have never left them. Although...
Charlie, a good friend... and someone I wrongly refer to as an ex-girlfriend... has been a big part of my life for the last year and a bit. While she is a good 1000km away from me, I still miss her... and wish things could have been alot different with. I stayed with her for a week and a half, only to be told that she was infact still in love with her ex boyfriend. I later found out, that she was so confused with everything in her head... that she lied to me. Apparently, it was me that she had feelings for... and her ex was hanging around just to fuck with her head. Well... it was to late to do anything about that at the time, as I had headed home on the train the day after she told me. A year later, I found out... while I was with Christine. I mentioned this to Christine, who took it as I was in love with Charlie, and I was going back to her. This would later sever our relationship... and I then broke off contact with Charlie in order to mend my relationship with Christine. Now that Christine and I are no longer together... I managed to get back into contact with Charlie. Now, I'm not the type to go back to ex girlfriends... and I have no intentions of going back with any of them... but Charlie always seems to make my heart skip a beat. If I think about her, see her name on MSN... or even if I talk to someone about her... my head goes wild. If that is love... or anything, then I really should forget it. As far as I know, Charlie is happy with her current boyfriend, and I've already ruined enough lives by fucking with other peoples relationships (refer to Christine and how I met her).
I guess this leaves me with a dilemma. If I'm not thinking about Christine and how much I hate her, I'm thinking about Charlie and how much I wish things could have been different. Charlie made a huge impact on my life... and I was with her for only a week. We didn't make love, or kiss... we cuddled, and we shared a bed... and held each other while we slept. Christine and I did make love, we did kiss, and we dated and lived together for 5 months... and for some reason, Charlie means a hellova lot more to me than Christine ever will. To be honest... if Christine died tomorrow... I'd shrug it off and say "I don't care... its not like she'd cry at my funeral"... But if Charlie died... I'd do anything I could to get to her funeral and pay my respects. Respect... maybe thats what it is. I respect Charlie alot more, because she actually wants to know me... she always wants to listen to me... She's like that best mate I don't have. Christine, on the other hand... is totally the opposite. She doesn't want to know me, would rather not remember me and the times we had, and has more respect for a tree than she does for me. I have alot of respect for Charlie, and I have only a little for Christine. Christine was a beautiful person once... She was the woman that I wanted to marry... but she decided that being beautiful was to damn hard. Charlie, is beautiful no matter what... she will always give a damn about me... and thats what I like about her.
Its a sad goddamn story... but maybe I'm to busy living in the past, when I should be more interested in the future. Maybe god can put another woman in front of me, and then I can move on a little faster.
*Add-on that I wrote later on...*
I had already written up a blog to post today, but this morning... I decided to write a little more. I had a rather interesting night of dreams... and I figured I'd share them with you. Now, I have no idea who they are... but they both invade my dreams alot. Firstly... A blonde girl... kinda skinny, and really nice face... she keeps trying to jump me at points in the dreams. In this perticular dream... it was about Christine, I'm not sure of the complete story, but this cute little blonde girl keeps sneaking into my bed... and feeling me up. Almost could be an enjoyable dream... if I didn't wake up just as her hands went wandering...
The second dream... involved a nice looking, frizzy haired woman... who apparently I was dating. And my best friend decided to force himself on her... I woke up in a cold sweat, saying her name. Now... I don't know if this is just my imagination running hella wild, or if they mean anything... but if they do mean something, that cute little blonde can share a bed with me any time (contrary to popular belief... I wouldn't turn down any woman who wanted a night in heaven with me... I guess that makes me desperate eh? :P ).
After I woke up, I poured myself a sweet tea.... and planned out my day. I'm still waiting on the bank to call me about my approval of the credit card, and today is my pay day. I've been eye-ing of a check out chick from the local Coles. According to my mother, she's been asking about me for months... and if I'm looking for a good time, I should give her a shot. That would be great... if I could get her on a day she's working... and when my balls arn't in my throat. I've never really been a risk taker when it comes to woman (unless you include the circumstances surrounding Christine and my relationship)... and I'm really not sure if I should take a risk for a woman I may not even fall for. Yes, I do think she's a nice person... but do I really need a lover at this point in time? I'm only a month out of a six month relationship... and I'm only looking for a bit of fun. Who knows... Maybe I'm just to scared to fall in love now, but I don't believe that.
I'll keep you updated on whatever happens with her :)
|
|
Posted by TheBoneCollector on 2008-06-17 20:54:40 | Rating: | Views: 58
|
| |
|
|
