I read over this post and I apologize because it jumps from subject to subject.
I think I am going to have to break open a box of sleeping pills.
My every waking moment is of Amanda.
When I sleep – as I start to drift into unconsciousness, I think of HER.
I think of what should be occurring.
I think of confessing to HER my heart.
I think of traveling to see HER even for an hour. Would HER heart be captured by that gesture?
I think of spending my life with HER.
I think of making love to HER.
And in an instant, I am wide-awake.
I may have had a total of 2 hours sleep since HER email.
Someone called me obsessive today. I was upset by the word but not the meaning sort of. I knew the person wasn’t being hurtful or trying to be damaging. She was trying to describe my emotions for Amanda.
It’s the old double standard. If I were good looking and rich, I would be considered to be “yearning for the true love that was created only for me and for her soul to see the light that burns in my heart for her, and only her.”
But since I am white trash, fat, ugly, and poor, I am considered obsessive by some and pathetic by most.
The positive attitude and self confidence myth that the world tends to exalt is just what it is a myth and bullshit.
You notice that no one tells Brad Pitt to have self-confidence, but they do someone like Drew Carey (no offense to Drew).
Now which person is better looking??!??!!?!
Humm….
People only bring up the ‘Have more self confidence’ issue to ugly people not accepted by the norm of society.
The problem right now is that I dread the day I hear the news that SHE is involved with another.
That will be the end of TheAmandaChronicles.
No use in spilling my emotions to the world.
I will still and forever believe that I am to be with HER, and no other woman will be given the chance to fuck with my head again, be it willingly or unknowingly.
I guarantee that you will then hear me tell people the truth of why I don’t date instead of just saying there are no women around.
That truth being that I will never be with any woman but Amanda, because that is the way it is supposed to be.
Since SHE has never responded to my emails, I suspect that SHE is responsible for their split.
I’ll lay odds now that it is infidelity on HER part.
I hope I wrong, but my gut tells me I am not.
SHE always ignores me when I get too close to HER.
I was in the town where SHE lives, 30 miles from here.
I drove by HER house.
Remember a while back when I wrote about HER almost loosing HER home because HER husband wasn’t working and they borrowed the money to make it through?
If I were a relative, I would have said no.
HER house is fucking huge. It is in an upscale neighborhood, and a corner lot.
SHE could easily sell that home and make a killing. It’s not a simple starter home in the suburbs. This is a massive home that you retire in, then sell and split the money between the kids type of home.
SHE once told me that HER husband only dated bowheads before he met HER. I see now that SHE herself is a bowhead.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I can’t feel sorry for someone in HER position:
SHE has a better pickup and car than me.
HER house is 3 times as big and newer than mine, and brick
SHE has a better paying job than me.
SHE is beautiful and has guys falling all over her constantly.
I do not doubt my desire for HER by any means, or the fact that I truly believe that we are meant to be together. Honestly, I haven’t had feelings these strong since my Victoria.
I guess I just need to look at HER differently. Not any time soon of course. Most people have said to hold back with anything I do right now, and see where SHE is going first.
One thing is for sure. Amanda will be the last woman on my mind.
Be it by what should be are destiny and us being together, or by HER going another way.
SHE will be the last woman I love and desire.
I am never going through this again.
I emailed HER again today:
Doc,
Last night a lady came in from Michigan. She was delivering some test equipment to Tolk
Anyway her partner was riding with her.
I thought you might get a kick out of this picture.
Her name is Kylie.
Anyway email me or better yet call me. Let me know what is going on. I am worried about you.
Fuck you if you don't like it, but I do worry
TAC
According to HER email, she leaves for a trip on Wednesday.
I hope it is job related and not personal.
Posted by TheAmandaChronicles on 2008-05-13 04:55:52 | Rating: n/a | Views: 102
Good looking and rich men can be just as obsessive. Since I have only your description of yourself on your blog..I can not be judging you on how you look to make that determination. The only reason someone would call you obsessive is that SHE does envelope your every waking hour. SHE is all you think about, and for lack of a better word that is obsessive. Not saying that is a bad thing..it just is what it is.
The confidence thing is a big factor for women. If you stood two men side by side and they were of similiar looks, the one who exudes confidence will be seen as the better looking. Because he smiles and makes eye contact
and seems sure of himself. Confidence either male or female is attractive and lets other people feel that you are approachable.
Obviously Amanda cares about you or she would not e-mail you or answer your e-mails. If she thought you were the ogre you define yourself as, she would not even bother. Who knows where this all will lead, like most things in life it is out of your hands. Sit back and wait to see what happens in this situation, while frustating, is all you can do. Meanwhile, I suggest you work on improving your own life so that if and when she indeed turns to you, you have more to offer her.
I am hoping for some positive break through in your life that will put you on the path you need to be on. Keep working at it and stay positive, this all will work out one way or another.
I will be here as a friend to support you(and call you names, did I say I was sorry for that?). Keep on writing it is therapeutic.
Guy, you will never ever get her or anyone else if you see yourself the way you do.
I am an expert in pining for a woman and I relate to your hurt more than you can know. I will say on difference is that the woman I love KNOWS how deeply I love her and it is more life/distance/circmstances keeping us apart.
I think as many times as people have not understood my story and given me the simple advice of going to see her, I will give that advice to you.
Yours is a short ride, mine is a 24 hr plane trip
Yours does not know, mine does
If you let this slip past you, a chance no matter how slim that you could have her, you will NEVER ever be able to live with yourself.
If 2 plus years have taught me anything, it is that you need to grab the brass ring of life when it gets handed to you because while it may, it may never come around again.
GO
DRIVE THERE
SEE HER
TELL HER
