Well I did nothing today but rest and think.
And I didn’t do either very well.
I woke up and talked to shemelts again. I also talked to another friend that I hadn’t heard from in a long time.
After that, I debated on what to do with my time.

I went to the store and bought something. For the life of me, I can’t remember what.
I do remember that I passed out again, and went to the store again. This time I spent my last ten bucks on hamburger meat because even though I had one yesterday, I was craving a good thick hamburger.
So I spent the evening debating on whether I should grill the burger or just electric skillet them.
The skillet won out due to the wind blowing just a little too much for me.

I cooked two of the fattest juiciest greasiest hamburgers that were ever cut from a cow today.
My little one, Katie, was right by my side. Poor little thing just thinks she is starving all the time.
I divided up the leftover hamburger buns and gave them to the kids.
I have to watch little Katie when she eats bread because it will get caught in her throat.
I once again had to stick my hand in her mouth and pull out a huge chunk of bread.
She always gets fed first and fed slowly. This time it didn’t help.
After I made sure she was okay. I made some phone calls.
My good sister still isn’t answering her phone. Renee finally called me back and she was home safe.
I had to go charge my battery again. It is not the starter and I guess my battery is going dead and won’t hold a charge. That is another 100-dollar expense I have to come up with here pretty soon.
I talked to Alex until the phone died.
He is always driving when I talk to him and inevitably, he will hit a low spot.
I didn’t bother answering his return call, or the six that followed.

I slept a little tonight.
This whole mess over my career is getting me so messed up in the head. I don’t know which path to follow.
Every path has major advantages and major disadvantages.
I suck at making decisions and I know I will make the decision that will be the hardest on me mentally and physically and financially.
It like every decision I make turns out to be the wrong decision.
I could give you example after example of bad decisions in my life.
I don’t even make good ones anymore.
My mind never remembers the bad side of a decision when I make it, and when I do remember, I am upset, or disappointed because then I have no choice but to deal with it.
And it always affects me negatively.

I don’t make decisions based on only good things either. I sometimes know the good and bad, but then something always pops up and it seems like the wrong thing to be doing entirely

I don’t fucking know


And to top it off, SHE has been on my mind today.
I keep seeing HER face.
I keep hearing HER voice.

There is this desire inside me that is so in – whatever - with HER. It’s not sexual.
I physically am hurting because SHE is not near.
I want to drive 300 hundred miles and stand in front of HER.
I want to drop to my knees and confess that I burn for HER.
I want to reach up and hold HER and never let HER go.
I want to feel HER hand come down and rub the back of my head and I hold HER until I can't breathe without HER.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder, and I am very afraid that I am moving into a place where I won’t be able to function from day to day without HER even being a small part of my life.

I am constantly checking my emails waiting for even the smallest tidbit from HER.

I do my best to get HER out of my head, but then SHE is there.

Every woman I see is nothing compared to HER.
No smile is as bright.
No skin is as soft.
No voice is as soothing.
No laugh is as desirable.
No walk is as alluring
No body is as intoxicating.