I feel like shit today. I feel like an emotional piece of garbage.
Last night we got into a big huge argument. No calling names, or cheap shots, or anything like that, but it was painful, hurtful, and seemingly endless.
I hold things inside, as I have stated before on here. I try to be the diminutive, demure, nice, quiet girlfriend that Ben wants. I am very good at it. Most of the time that is part of my personality anyway, I'm shy, I'm quiet, I like to do nice things for him. The only thing is, is when something bothers me, I internalize it. And I deal with it by hurting myself of putting myself down. Then, to me, "it's been deal with," and he doesn't even have to hear/know about it.
The problem with this current practice of mine, is that the issue hasn't ever truly been dealt with. It just sort of sits there and festers inside me. However, this feels better to me than to have to bring it up and then feel terrible afterwards as I do right now.
So yesterday we just got into it. I wanted to go have a nice dinner, relax, he basically tells me that we can't afford it and then he goes so far as to say that I am actively trying to take his money. Well... I pay all of our rent (1400), bills for the both of us including cable, gym, etc, and I buy all of our weekly groceries. So to me I'm not trying to take his money, but we agreed he would pay for extras, entertainment, etc. So um there's hurt feeling number one.
Then he goes so far as to say that when I am on my period I am irrational and I need medication. ............................................................ ......... I'll admit that I do have more courage and things do bother me more when I am on my period, so I get the courage to talk about them. Note to self: crawl in hole for the entirety of menstruating. Seriously! Hurt feeling number two.
I'm no saint here folks. I do get crabby and emotional, I am a basketcase right now. I woke up crying (and only have gotten about five hours of sleep), and he can't understand why I am still upset. He is right, we didn't go to bed angry or upset anymore, but I still feel like crap, and I will, for a long time... and yep, you guessed it, I'll internalize it.
I try so hard to just deal with my emotions on my own, that's what I want to be able to do so that I don't have to have these fights with him.
I'm just so sad right now, I don't even want to go into the living room because I don't want him to see me so sad anymore.
Nobody understands me, I feel like just crawling in a hole.
Posted by TheAlreadyJaded on 2008-05-11 14:41:59 | Rating: n/a | Views: 45
You need to let him understand how you feel. Maybe he is having a so called "money stress". Constantly worrying about not having enough money. Try to keep an open communication if you can.
I agree with Jensmith...you need to try to explain to him how you are feeling. I used to hold things in when I dated Mark, and it's not healthy. I ended up resenting him for a lot of things, because the issues would never get resolved...just brushed under the rug. It's hard to do (I'm still working on it), but you have to teach yourself to speak up when you don't like something.
And don't worry....I feel irrational and emotional when I'm on my period too....it's normal. Dare Ben to find a girl who is not like that haha
I feel we have similar problems, on a lot of levels. I am in the same situation, I make a little more than my boyfriend, and I find myself paying all the bills. Rent, utility, cable and he is always bitching that I am taking his money. I also internalize everything and never let it out, unless I have really bad PMS and it comes out like a tidal wave. Men don't understand that's for sure. I wish I could help you but I am in the same situations.
The problem is that we shouldn't have to deal with these emotions on our own, its just hard to explain it to men.
I'm sorry he hurt your feelings! I know exactly what you are going through! If I find the answers I'll be sure to let you know... otherwise its nice to know we have a place to vent!
