Just when I think that everything is wonderful, God decides to remind me that I deserve to be punished. I have a lot of issues. A LOT of issues. I haven't even delved into them on here yet because, well for a couple of reasons. One, things were going so great, Two, I am somewhat embarrassed to talk about them, even to strangers. Well today I am going to talk about one of them and who knows maybe a few more will come out too. The issue of today is that I am constantly living in fear of being abandoned. Mostly by Ben. And this causes me to have other issues like jealousy, etc. See here's the thing. I left a marriage to be with him. An unhappy marriage mind you, but like I'm constantly afraid that I will be all alone mourning the love of the best man in the world in my eyes. My marriage was not happy, and honestly I dont even know that I loved the guy I married when I did, I really did it because I knew I wouldn't have to be afraid of abandonment any more. I knew I wouldn't have to feel the pain of being left anymore. It just seemed easier. So now that I got out of an unhappy marriage, which was a good thing, I have this FEAR. And this fear is slowly but surely ripping my relationship apart it feels like. My New Year's resolution was to try and let go of this fear. And I HAVE been trying, and I think I've been doing a pretty good job. Up until now. Up until last night. I saw a text message on Ben's phone that said "meet me at Billie's, something or other, smiley winky face, -sara" Sara is the name of his ex girlfriend. I flipped out, I mean I was really hurt. He didn't respond and it was an out of state number but he didn't even tell me about it. I got very angry. He told me I was over-reacting and I probably was but I was SO upset. It's almost like I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm right, that he is going to leave me. I also have this fear because he moved out on the last girlfriend that he lived with, without even telling her. He didn't even break up with her, he just moved his stuff out when she wasn't home. So now I've convinced myself that he is going to do the same to me. So I say things when I am angry to try and like "counteract" that. Foolish, I know. I just, Ok, well another one of my issues is my appearance. I feel like he is SO much better looking than me, and that makes my jealousy and fearfulness even worse because I tell myself things like "You aren't even pretty, he's just going to leave" and things like that. He doesn't understand why I am so fearful of his leaving. I guess I more just fear the repercussions. That I'm not a strong enough person to deal with that if it happens. We were in a long distance relationship for about 5 months before he moved here, and it was like, a lot easier to be that "perfect" girlfriend ya know. If I was depressed, we just didn't talk, if I was jealous or fearful, I just didn't say anything or I didn't call him on that day. Now I feel like now that I have what I always wanted, it's just falling apart. I just have this feeling like I'm going to be left alone to just kill myself with my own thoughts. Some days I get so down on myself that I don't even look before stepping into our somewhat busy garage hoping that maybe I'll get hit by a car. Then things brighten up, like this weekend that was so wonderful, and then something bad happens right when I think that my life is great. It's like I'm God's yo-yo. And maybe he is punishing me, and maybe I deserve it. I don't know. I'm not making any sense right now. All I want to do is just crawl in a hole where I can't hurt anybody or myself. I convince myself that Ben deserves way better than me and I don't deserve him.
Posted by TheAlreadyJaded on 2008-01-21 10:59:47 | Rating: n/a | Views: 130
Bless your heart. Okay, first of all, God is not punishing you. You need to understand that God is a loving God, and he doesn't do that to us. He loves you. I think you are punishing yourself though, and until you can realize for yourself how valuable you are to God, and to others, these feelings that you have will keep coming back.
It seems as though that you are looking to others to give you value, and I don't know how to say this except just come out and say it. As long as you are looking to others to give yourself a sense of value, then you will never find true happiness. True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.
As far as your fear of abandonment goes, what is the absolute worse thing that could happen? Your life will not be over even if you two were to break up.
I would like to encourage you to first learn to love and accept yourself for who you are. Many times, we don't live up to our own expectations, therefore we don't feel as though we live up to anyone else's. I think we are often our own worse critics. I will pray that you will learn to love and accept yourself first, and to release the high expectations you have for yourself. Then and only then will you truly be ready for a healthy relationship.
I will also pray that you will be able to set healthy boundaries with others, and choose the kind of partner who will love you and accept you for who you are.
I truly believe that once you learn to love and accept yourself, and learn to choose the type of partner that will also love and accept you without expectation, that you will be amazed at how wonderful a relationship you can have. Make sure that the person you choose is worthy of YOU! and stop worrying about whether or not you are worthy of THEM. I can already tell you are a loving and giving person. You deserve someone who can love you and give back.
Take care.
