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how long it's been since I logged on here!
Ok. So, the important thing I mentioned in my last blog. Was that I'd slept with Matty.
He has a girlfriend.
So you see, it was a stupid mistake. I don't regret it. But then again, I kind of do.
Terribly confused about it all.
The bit I regret it that girlfriend part. And, seeing him all the time. Every week-end. Having to act like normal, but not really been able to look at him. Lying to everyone. It's happened twice now. I do like him, an awful lot. It happened in December. 9th Decemeber to be exact. She was at work. And we were at his.
He text afterwards, for a few days. Then they kind of stopped. And of course, I can't really text him at anytime can I?
The second time it happened was February the 29th. Been around him, and friends, he whispered that he needs to see me properly. Away from everyone to talk. I was stupid to believe that's all he wanted. Temptation is hard to resist really. Don't you think?
Only this time, I ended up going to A+E for the morning after pill. I didn't realise he'd taken the protection off. Chelle says it was extremely selfish of him. He didn't tell me until a text message later on that night, after I'd gone. I guess she's right. He didn't text the next day, or the next, or the next. And so on.
He tends to ignore me afterwards. A few text messages, but only when I text him out of the blue, a simple, "Hi. How are you?" Other than that, I don't hear anything. I notice him looking at me sometimes when I'm out. When he's out, in the same place, where we know all the same people. It's the one place that we've got to be normal. He acknowledges me, flashes a smile. But that's just part of acting normal. Not giving anything away. I really don't understand it. He tells me he likes me, how he feels, yet, he doesn't seem to want to be around me other than when he wants a little something.
Chelle says I'm been used. Maybe I am. I haven't worked it out yet. I guess it looks that way. he's just so different around me, when it's me and him. Then, when it's with everyone. I know he doesn't want anyone to find out. He's got a girlfriend to lose. But, I'm not really, even his bit on the side? His 'mistress' as people say, I'm just there, when he wants something. And then I get ignored.
It's just far too hard to walk away at the moment. He's on my mind an awful lot. I think about him pretty much everyday ... i try not to. But once he's in my head, or something triggers it off. I can't stop thinking about him. I don't think I love him. I can't possibly... Can i? Is it possible to love someone after one night? Two nights? Even when they discard of you until the next month? I don't know.
If any of you have got any advice, it would be appreciated greatly.
Thanks for reading.
Tess
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Posted by Tessa on 2008-03-24 12:16:28 | Rating: | Views: 31
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