"I see you Tess... You're looking great. Can I come and say hi?"

What was I supposed to do? Ignore him? Text him back? Run away? I wasn't sure. So I put my phone back in my bag, and slowly, real slowly, started to cross the road. I had no idea what I was going to say. I didn't know whether to laugh or burst into tears. My palms felt a little sweaty, and my heart was really pounding in my chest. My stomach was doing them stupid flips that people are never immune to. It looked like he'd had the same idea as me. We met half way across the road. Hi he said. I felt like such a tit just standing there. I couldn't get the words out. "Wanna go for a coffee?" He asked me. I merely nodded.
Sitting down in the cafe, I felt even more vulnerable. With him sat right opposite me, it was hard to stand. He explained why he was back. I just nodded again, acting like I understood. But to be honest - I didn't understand any of it. Eventually I managed to speak to him. We made small talk, how have you been, what you been upto? Anything new in life? How's work? Where are you living?
I filled him in on my new job, my new home, my new life really. It's all so different from what it used to be .. it's unbelieveable. But I still don't understand why he's back. I didn't ... couldn't ask.
I'm still unbelievably shocked. Just thinking about him makes my stomach do them stupid flips. I don't want him to still have this effect on me! I just don't! It's been a year for god's sake and yet ... he can still do everything to me. Make my heart pound, make me feel like a child again. I don't understand any of it. Do you?

It's not just that, there's other things in my life right now. I don't need him here topping it all off. Adding to the pile. Lee for instance, I saw him yesterday night. He was with his wife. He didn't really talk to me. But he did acknoledge me. Bit later on, he loosened up around me. Laughing with me like he normall does. I was sat with a guy I know called Dan. He was sat right up close to me, his arm casually over the back of the sofa, round my shoulders. His other hand on my knee. He was leaning in and whispering in my ear - he was only talking about the Man stood behind him. But I saw Lee looking over,  I didn't let him know I'd seen. but he stood there on his own for a minute or two. Just looking over at me ...  at us.

My mum had to go to Hospital the other week. She's clear of cancer in her breast so far. But she's still awaiting the results for something else. I'm trying to show her I'm not worried.... But I am. It's making me grumpy, tired, sick. I'm been so mean to her .. and my father. It's not right. They don't deserve it, and they don't deserve it. They give me everything, they do everything for me. it's not fair.
It just isn't.