Change is a necessary aspect of life.  It is impossible to live and function without being confronted with or experiencing a change of some kind.  From the begining of our being we are in a constant state of change in the form of development.  We grow, we mature and we change in the comfort of the womb.  One day though, we have grown, changed and matured too much to allow further development within the comfort of our mother's belly, and thus comes the biggest change we are yet to experience:  emergence into the world. 

No one ever knows if or what infants think or feel upon entering the world, but I wonder if they feel fear or anxiety, or if they are completely unaware of the monumental jouney they have been set upon.  Perhaps it is why infants cry so much.  Regardless of how they feel about it, the world is an envorionment full of endless oportunities and instances for change.  Babies continue thier physical development as well as the development of their understanding, intelligence, communicative abilities and emotions.  And as they change, so does the world around them.  Entertainment, fashions, gas prices, seasons, presidents and winds all change around them and they are at its mercy. 

One would think that, as change is an integral aspect of humanity, I would be used to it by now.  I have 22 years of change under my belt and every day brings a little bit more.  Newness should be nothing new, however, being the stubborn person that I am I have refused to aclimate and still find change frightening and undesirable in most instances.  I am a creature of habit and I also have some issues with contorl.  I like to know what to expect and I like to be in control of situations and outcomes whenever possible although I know that this is a futility. 

I am powerless to the desires and will of the world, the Lord, humanity.  My grasp on my own existence may seem firm but in the scheme of things I know I am holding on quite loosely.  Regardelss of whether I want it to or not, things change and this must be.  Although I may fear that with change bad will come, it is also true that no good will come without change.  Good itself is a change; a change for the positive in the status quo.  Just like when we were infants ready to be birthed, sometimes we have reached the peak of possible growth in certain situations, loctations, or relationships.  We must welcome change, even grudgingly, in order to continue to grow and thrive. 

The reason I write this is because I am brining upon myself changes that I know I need and yet I fear.  I have a job this summer working at Whispering Hope Ranch in Payson, AZ and this means that I will be living away from home for 11 weeks.  I have never been away from home for that long of a period of time and even though I am 22 years old it still scares me.  I am very close to my family and will miss seeing them every day.  I am pretty neurotic over what I eat and I will be at the mercy of camp cooks.  I can bring food of my own, but it would be costly and difficult to supply every meal for myself.  It will force me to relax a little and let go of some of my neuroces.  This I know will be a good thing.  I am excited about the summer and the prospect of spending it away from the city and the heat.  I am thrilled about the fact that I will be working around animals, including horses, and with children that have disabilities and disadvantages.  I will be, for once in my life, doing something that is not futile.  I will be helping children; I will have a purpose.  Still, I have a bit of dread at the thought of leaving what is comfortable and routine for something that is foreign and out of my control. 

Not onll that, though, but I also applied for the Americorps NCCC program, which would take me away from home for 10 months and send me various places (of someonelses choosing) to do various work (also of someone elses choosing) around the US.  This also would be a wonderful experience in which I will have a purpose and be helping people but, again, the prospect of change instills fear in me.  

I know I can do these things though, and even more than that I know that I NEED to do these things.  It will be good for me to get away from home and be on my own for a while, even if it is only a few hours away and even if I come home on the weekends.  I need to do it and to prove to myself that I can do it.  I need to be more independant and self suficient.  I need to grow up.  I fear that if I don't do something like this I will forever take the road of least resistance, always playing it safe and missing out on potentially wonderful changes to myself and my circumstances.  I also know that I need the purpose these oportunities will give me.  For so long I have been in this rut of uselessness (in regards to my employment).  My days are comprised of trivialities, empty conversations, and the constant struggle to entertain myself.  Life was meant to be so much more than this.  I need and want to embrace the change, the positive change, that will come of these jobs.  It will be hard, I will get homesick, I will miss my Mom, but I my life will be so much more fulfilled and enriched by doing it.  Perhaps I will find the direction I seem to have been devoid of thus far in regards to school, career and purpose.  Perhaps without my familial and familiar crutches to lean on, I will learn to deal with confrontation and broaden the horizons of my comfort zone.  Perhaps by doing this I will make it possible for myself to have a functional relationship.  But even if all that comes of it is some good times, a summer in the trees, new friends and some great stories and experiences, it will still be worth it.

Life is like an ocean.  It can be vast, unfriendly, empty anc cold.  There are waves and currents that constantly shift and fight to push us in different directions.  Some of us fight the waves, swim against the current, get tired and drown.  Some of us anchor ourselves to one spot, bob around bouyed to one spot and let the waves crash against us.  But then some of us catch a wave and ride it, enjoying the thrill of the ride and the prospect of ending up in warmer water and sandy beaches.  It's time for me to grab a board, catch a wave, and go surfing.