This is a letter to someone who's very important to me but I'll never send it and I keep this blog secret for that reason.  So here goes:

Dear ( haha, you really thought I'd even mention who? not a chance in hell)

You're leaving tomorrow, for a month and a half now I've been meaning to see you, to say goodbye, but selfish reasons I didn't. I couldn't face you. There's somethings I've never told you and think I need to , but to do so would do more bed than good, love. That night we slept together I got pregnant, I wanted to wait until I had the papers from my doctor, and then I got them, and decided that I'd give myself a week to be ready, but what I didn't know at the time was that my then boyfriend and work would stress me out so much that I'd miscarry. So when I started to have pain I never told . I never told you that I was carrying your child, or that my stupid choice to date that moron murdered your child, our child. And now you're leaving and I'm too chicken to say good bye. I'm a coward, I admit it.
I'm afriad if I see you I'll tell you, I'm afriad that I'm in love with you.  I'm afriad I'd cry if I had to say good bye in person, so I made a lame excuse and myspaced you. And I',m already regretting it but its too late to change my mind. I wish I could have told, would have told. That I could tell you that I still love you, and always will because you're  my first.  That I've thought about you every single day since that morning. That I  wish that I was with you now. That I'll never forgive myself for miscarrying, or for not telling you. Hell, for  not telling you good bye.
I know I can't tell you that. That either you wouldn't believe me or that it would ruin our friendship forever.  But I wish that you could know that everyday I regret so many of the choices I made, and how  I wish that I was holding our baby in my arms right now.  That maybe we were standing in his nursery together watching him sleep. But I wish you all the best, and remember that you do have ppl back here that do care about you. I love you, more than I'll ever tell you, and like I said in the myspace message you better fucking keep in touch... I'm already depressed and on the verge of going over the edge.. you were my savior so many times before.. Just like the time you helped me decide what to do about the Jeremy thing, and that you didn't freak out, that you we're there for me when I was fucked over by friends, the way you always made me smile, the way you were pissed off when I told you what that one asswhole did to me, the way you stayed with me and my godson that day when you really did want to go with the others, but I didn't want the baby to be around that bs, the way you saved me from derick, the way you cheered me up when the guy from the x-mas part told rained on my parade. Thank  you for everything, I hope you find your dreams and realize what  a great person you are.
~Syra~
P.S.  Thank you for not telling your sister that we slept together.. lolz.. she woulda killed me. And do remember when ever you need me, I'm here for you. I love you for now and always/.