Okay some of you that have read my previous blogs may think I'm crazy, but here's goes. I got back with my ex-girlfriend, her husband knows..   He's cool with it. Seeing them was odd yesterday ( i did take a friend with me) I picked up my god son and hugged her, but even tho I really wanted to hug her husbadn (we we're friends they even dated and we were really close friends.. I love him to death) and it was really odd.. I felt like I had to be aloof so that she didn't bug out. And since noone that actually knows me knows this blog I'll be one hundred % honest  they are my alphas, and it almost felt like I was going aginst my nature by not hugging him.. Well, any way as the evening went on we all relaxed back into where (almost where ) we were before. And me and her ended up just like b4 which ended up with us going out, me and her husband flirting conserviatively.. and then night was begininng to come to and end we were at the bus terminal and we had to get on different buses and I kissed her goodbye and me and my friend went out to get on our bus but the drivers had already went on break, and I couldn't walk away from him a second time without hugging him. I wasn't really sure how to approach it  there were so many betrayals from the past, sexual tension still hanging in the air from the old days (that'll never die) , I was afriad that he was angry at me for so many reasons so I just said "give me a hug" and when he went to hug me he said "don't worry" he's the only straight guy that I feel 100% comfortable around and  in his arms I felt at peace. Maybe it was just because at that point I knew he wasn't angry with me or maybe the fact that he's my alpha , and he knows most of the bs of my past. And writing this I find myself crying almost tears of relief .. I feel as if I walked back into my own life yesterday, and while it feels good I want to cry almost in reilef from all thanxiety and depression that has recently left me. I feel as if now I can begin to put my life back together. I'm with the woman I love and have 2 of my best friends back, my alphas back, my god son too.. Now that i looked back at all the relationships or oppurtunities that have failed me since me and her broke up and I know why they failed. I realize qwhy so many things have happened and now I feel horriable for being so angry at the Goddess and feel stupid for feeling betrayed. It still amazes me at how she works and everything that I don't understand at the moment that I'll understand in the future. The Goddess sure has her ways of making up feel like asses ... It reminds me of the foot print biblical thing. So i guess through all this the biggest thing I got back was my belief and my hope and my trust in the Goddess. I really am crying now and when I look at the cuts and the scars on my calf I know that it was all needless stupidity. Me and my friend stayed up last night until one in the morning (she had school this morning too) and talked about all of this and her boyfriend too. Life is finally good again.. I'm finally live again and feel better than ever.. what more could I ask for?


4-1-08
maybe something that actually lasts.... I should have never gave her a second chance I knew that... I'm tragically in love with her and somehow I know logically that shes not worth it..