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so i went out tonight with I and some friends. met some new people and had a good time. i couldn't help but want to text S becuse i'm not going to lie, i missed her! i hate what is going on between us right now! i understand it is my fault, BUT i do not feel this whole thing is my fault. i really do feel strong about that last sentence. anyways!

i understand her point of view and i understand the other persons point of view. it sucks to be caught in the middle, and in a way, i did let it happen to myself. just goes to show, when you think you're doing a good thing and being as helpful as you think you are, sometimes you're not! sometimes you just don't see the whole picture. sometimes you don't see it until other people tell you what they see and what they would of seen. at the same time, they don't blame your choice or decision either. you just didn't see the whole picture. sometimes you need to step back and take a look at things. as much as i think i do, i don't apparently. my friends point that out to me when i don't see it myself. i'm not perfect, i don't know all the answers, and try to learn from my mistakes. hmmmm....

right now, there just seems to be so much going on. i feel like there are things that i don't know about. måybe it should be that way and maybe it shouldn't. i don't know what questions i need to ask or if i should be asking any questions at all. i'm a little lost and confused in my head of thoughts. i put everything off as if i'm fine and ok. really, i'm a worry wart! i worry and care more then i should about certain things and situations!

i just feel like running right now! i should be in bed sleeping since i have work in a couple of hours. i'm not really tired! i guess i'm just torn through my feels, concerns, and thoughts! i'm not even at home! lol! big surprise there! i try to avoid being at home as much as possible. not really my favorite place to be. wish i had my own place. then i'd be cool! anyways! side tracking as normal. i think i avoid a lot of things in my life because i don't know how to deal with. that i'm scared of the out come. call me weak if you will but i don't think there is a single person who was never weak. it's a matter if realizing it and knowing that you need to be strong. you need to face what you wish not to face.

another thing on my mind. i don't know what to believe! i've kind of felt that way for a while now. i kind of feel that a part of my life was fed with lies. kind of sad and scarey! like i hear things said, told to me or read. not everything always matches up, and not everything always makes sense. sometimes i wonder. what is truely meant? what is it that i can believe and what is it that i shouldn't? maybe it's 50/50? maybe some of it is the true, and what's not the truth is something i need to figure out myself. it could be the other way around as well. hmmmm.....

ok for real though, i need to go to bed and at least try and get some sleep or else i'll be completely dead to the world tomorrow. maybe i need to be! maybe i need to just take full, and complete care of myself 1st for a while. i tell myself that a lot lately. as long as i'm breathing, living, and doing fine then i'm good. i need to not always put others before myself. it's ok sometimes but not all the time. people would say i shouldn't do that at all. that i should always put myself first for the most part. i don't know! it's always going to be my choice though in the end. good night!