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i havent wrote nothin in a long time, hella dayz - not since K wuz arrested. my life has been insane, constant chaos, self-inflicted naturally. this is self-defeatism at its best. LOL after K got sentenced 2 a year, county time, tha silence wuz deafening. things were so quiet i wuz uneasy. i still couldn't sleep @ nite. my reality, the aftermath of hell - it all came crashing down hard: tha pain i felt inside that i had suppressed - tha emptiness and isolation surrounding me - tha pain in my body from physical wounds i could no longer heal - a year & a half of domestic violence fighting hitting screaming choking stealing accusing lying cheating - a year & a half of building muscle-tension from combat mode, sleeping with one eye open or just not sleeping - tha depression from all of it - all tha bullshit - tha deepest depression of my life. but check it out - in one minute everythang changed - all tha noise - K's noise - just stopped. all of a sudden i waz alone with nothing i HAD to do. no one could have possibly understood. i couldn't handle tha intensity of tha pain i felt [and still feel] - or tha endless/bottomless well of rage and hate deep within me. tha first few dayz free(?) when reality hit me, i did a lot of drugz. i did a 1/2 ounce in 2 dayz. i wuz eating like a gram at a time but my world wuz black so i kept on doin more and more - until my world literally faded 2 black, twice in 2 dayz. i OD'd twice // 2 dayz in a row. i OD'd again // a third time // about a week l8ter. i didn't give a fuck - i wanted out. within tha same month i started slammin again - back 2 old habits - bad habits. i watched CL get hi one time [and i said it wuz kool] and i flipped out. then i watched CUE get hi one time, but only one time. after that i wuz doing it too. he asked me if i wanted an ish and i wuz like 'fuck yeah' without takin no pause. CUE used 2 hit me back in tha day, when i got really bad - he wuz the only one who could still hit me - i wuz a mess, got a 5150 [and a 5250] 4 that shit. so he started hookin me up wit new outfits and pura all day long [[cuz he wanted to fuck me and do my dope 24-7]] i did that first ish a couple dayz after R raped me. i wuz dying inside already. i wuz kickin it with CUE all tha time after that then i started slammin again. CUE had my back during some crazy fuckin shit - more than once. he kept me alive and outta jail - more than once.
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Posted by Str8tLoca on 2008-02-22 04:58:54 | Rating: | Views: 27
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