Earlier I decided I wanted to write about my dad.

I even thought about what I would possibly say, what I could possibly fuckin' say to describe him. To have you read this with every sound I might describe clear as day. To get you to feel what I feel. For tears to well or for you to laugh.

I tried to argue to myself that this is not about you. That what you fucking think of what I say doesn't matter. That I don't take extra care about putting these deliberate typed words out there.

But it's all about you. About what you think and how you feel-- that my sarcastic bitterness is noted for what it is, and that I am recognized as truly that. Bitter and sarcastic. Deep is so fucking emo and cliche and not a word I would like to use-- so I suppose.. substance in its true form would work best. I want to be taken for what I am. So this has everything to do with you.

Writing about my dad would mean that you would have to believe that I smiled, or that I wasn't always this brooding bitch-face-- that I had people in my life that I loved-- or that loved me.
I like being who I am. I like the fact that my heart is hardening every day. I like to think that one day I'll wake up, and it will take all efforts in the world to make me laugh. I want to be fucking sincere.. not a person who asks how you are because they want to tell their own story, or that asks because we as society know that we should ask.

But am I facade for thinking this way? Am I merely red paint that you mistake for blood splattered on your disgusting New Jersey walls? Do you believe me when I say I disappeared?

Who knows.
But, I finally decided tonight that telling you about a good thing wouldn't make you like me or hate me more than you already did. You will still know that I love to say the word 'fuck', that I like to make a mess with my mouth, that I like the negative, and that I will mostly always write the negative. You will be the same piece of shit I thought you were afterwards, and you will feel the same way towards me.

Now that the trainwreck is out of the way..

So, I'll save the other trainwreck for later.