So this is gonna be my total-honesty-blog. I try to be honest in other blogs, but my friends are on them too, and they just make me feel guily for feeling bad. Like I want to.
I understand that they care and their worried and everything, but having three people telling me everyday how 'one day I'll see the sun again' and how everythings gonan be just fine as soon as I put some heart into it, is just not what I'm looking for.

My  point is that I'm depressed. I have been diagnosed as such. I'm not a drama queen, I don't like to talk about my problems and I certainly don't shove my life's story down everyone's throat. However, I think it's healthy to try and talk about how I feel and what I do about it, also because here, total strangers can comment on it.

Don't try to tear me down for the fun of it, please.

Maybe I'll put my story down here sometime. For now, I just want to talk about.. Well, me. 
I'll let you in on some stuff, just so you know.

I live in Holland. I'm in 5VWO, that means I have 1,5 years of high school left before I can go to university. In the Dutch schoolsystem, you have levels. If 1 is highest, it's like this:

1. VWO (6 years)
2. HAVO (5 years)
3. VMBO (4 years)
4. VMBO-TL (4 years)

So I'm in the highest ladder. I started my highschoolcareer on VEO as well, in my second year(that's when you're about 12), I started having.. difficulties, and I had to do the year over. At the end of the 2nd year(for the second time) I moved to another part of Holland, where I started year 3. I didn't do anything. I didn't work, study, pay attention, like I never had before. Only now I really failed, and I was put back to HAVO. I finished HAVO last year, it's a five-year-program. Now, I'm back on VWO, to finish what I started I guess.

I still do nothing. I don't have the drive to do my homework. I just don't care. I can't make myself. I can only focus on things I care about. I can read fist-thick books from start to finish in 2 days. I know a damn lot about art, literature, psychology, mythology, religions, television and movies, but there just doesn't seem to be a place in my head for other things.
This results in veryy strange grades, from 10's(highest) to 1's(lowest) on the same subject.

I don't know if I want to do this anymore. I allready have a diploma, the HAVO-diploma that is. I want to go to artschool, which you can do with HAVO. I'm starting to think I only continued high schoo because I'm afraid of starting something new. I'm afraid I'll spin out of control if I leave my parents' house.
If there's no one to make sure I sleep, eat, wake up, shower and god knows what else, I'm not sure I will.
Most of all, I'm afraid I'll start cutting day and night. Right now I stop myself a lot because of my mother. I love her to death, and I know how much it hurts her if I hurt myself -maybe it hurts her even more than it hurts me.
So I bottle it up, and only cut if I can really, really not stop myself, and even then I try to hold back.
At my house, my mom walks in on everyone(well, it's just me, my mom and my stepdad) and they're really comfortable naked. I was raised the same way, so she'll consider it weird if I want her to leave the bathroom if I take a shower. I don't mind being naked, it's just that she can notice my cuts. And she does.
But I'm drifting off. I'm afraid I'll lose my connection to the real world, if I'm whithout my mother. I have a tendency towards isolation. If I didn't have to, I probably wouldn't leave the house more than three times a week. If I attend a college where they don't pay as much attention towards attendance as they do in highschool, I'll probably build my own world in my dormroom, sleeping, cutting and reading my life away.

I'm just so scared of everything. Sometimes it seems like the world grew really sharp teeth, and I'm the only one who seems to see them. I hate being like this. I want to be a normal, sane teenager who worries about homework, boyfriends and fights with her parents about curfews.

I want to stop sleepwalking through my life, but I might not be up to it. There's a reason my subconsious is clouding my vision, right? Maybe it's because I'm weak, maybe it's to shelter me, maybe it's because there is just something really wrong with me, something all the psychotherapists and social workers and psychiatrists overlooked. I don't know. I just want it to end.

Don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm not. I strongly dislike myself at times, but I never sulk. I'm quite realistic. Maybe I'm too realistic for my own good.


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