..I stumbled across last night. It was a saturdaynight, and I went out, to this place I go alot with live bands and so on, lot of people I know. And it's excactly that, there's people I know. That's it. I go there with my best friend, and there's like 2 other people I'm friends with, and at the end of the night I always feel like a stupid fat wallflower while all the other kids are being cute and having fun and moshing their tiny asses off.
It just sort of breaks me down. I want to go out because sometimes it's so much fun, and it's good for me(or that's wat my psychologist says) but most of the time I just end up felling like the last, stale piece of bread nobody wants.
But then again, I want to go out, sitting all alone with your thoughts at home is not a very good idea if you're a cutter, so I go out, and then I end up alone and half drunk at home late at night anyway.
Okay it sounds way too stupid now, and off course there are times when it's fun, but I just feel like nobody really likes me. And I see people hoking up and all that and it's not me. And the guy I sort of like goes to school with me and he's considered supercool, and I'm the artgeek, and hes very nice to me and I really like him but that's never going to happen.
It just makes you feel like shit, sitting in a corner while that awesome guy is having fun with other guys and flirting with girls and doesn't pay any attention to you. I did try, though, it's not like I expect him to do all the work. But he didn't really respond. I guess I'm just not it for him. But then again, I'm not it for anybody, so certainly not this ridiculously handsome guy who is overall great(he's actually smart, too.)
I know I should stop beating myself up over stuff like this but I just keep thinking that if I wasn't a size 12-14, or if I wasn't considered 'weird' when I just try to be myself, things would be better. And I wouldn't dream about slicing myself open all the time, and I wouldn't want to be one big laceration.
Now it's time to put on a happy face. It's my best friends' birthday, and she turned eighteen, so I'm going over there this afternoon. It's the first day of Easter, my parents are away(and I told them, no really, I don't mind, go, I'll be fine, I don't care about easter) and I should be studying like crazy.
Oh well, what am I worrying about. It's just life.
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