since I posted here.
I was caught up living like a zombie, I guess. Right now I'm stressing out completely because of tests coming up this week, and it's really important an I can't focus and I'm afraid I'll fail and I'll have to drop out of school and THEN what the hell am I supposed to do.
This is the first time in a long time that I'm stressing out over school, but it's just that I feel like I'm losing all control over myself and everything keeps slipping through my fingers. I want to hold on really bad, even though I don't even know if this is what I want or if I even should have gone up a level, as I explained earlier. Maybe I really can't handle it, and I'm not that smart, or maybe I'm just not cut out for this.
Right now I'm all anxious and nervous and I think that if I fail this year, I will lose the last bit of faith in myself. My mom has said that if 'nothing improves over the next months, she fears she has to get me admitted into a psych ward. I never used to care, it actually seemed like a good idea to me, maybe it would be time to focus on all the shit going on in my head, you know? but right now I'm scared as hell and I REALLY don't want to go. I'll lose years of my life, I'll have to tell people later that I was in an asylum, people will think that I'm utterly insane, and I'm not, I'm just a little overwhelmed by life and it's just a lot of things and I can't always handle it because it feels like my brains begin to boil and melt and something's ticking in my head, as if I carry around a timebomb that will go off when I really really really hit rock bottom.
Maybe it'sbetter to feel than not to feel, but everytime I start to feel it's just so much and all at once and I get all scared and hyper and I breathe really fast and it makes me want to puke or cut or throw myself off a bridge, and instead I talk so fast no one can understand me and I keep on hearing people talk about me and saying I'm a freak and I'm weird and yeah they like me but thei're not sure about me or whatever, and I just don't know what to do to bge normal again and to like the sun and to be able to actually feel the sun on my skin and to want to be healthy and not freak out over every little thing I feel because it just seems like so fucking much and I really can't take it

I just want to go to artschool, and draw and read and be around people who do that and maybe maybe if I do that the blackness and greyness and all the darkness that always seems to follow me around will disappear.

I'm just so scared, and I don't know what to do, and I don't want to fail again because I'm already a failure and I'll let my mom down and I'm already not the daughter she deserves even though she says she has the daughter she is meant to have. I know she just says that so I won't feel bad, but I can see in her eyes that she just wants me to be normal and sane and not living in a glass cage with a broken view.

I want it, too. I want to be whithout a shell, whithout a broken mind that keeps on putting spells on me and screws up everything. I just want to be okay, and to be normal, and to be happy.
Is that too much to ask for?