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i just noticed some of my posts have a bright red 'explicit content' label. Okay..
That said, right now I'm crying. I'm home alone(again) and even though i dont really like spending time with my family(which has nothing to do with them really) I'm better off when they're at home, cause I dont have the time to think about stuff for too long and spend all day on the computer and driving myself crazy.
I'm afraid I can't numb myself down anymore. I'm so angry at times, and I'm glad I can control myself at times like that. I'm very strong physically, especially for a girl -a combo of genetics and doing commando krav maga, a sort of hardcore self defence) so I can really, really hurt people. Let alone myself.
Ive been talking to my spychologist and shes going to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist. I'mreally scared lately. what if i have to go to a mental hospital? I dont want to leave, i dont want to go anywhere, i just want to be able to live and be like veryone else and enjoy life and do my homework when im supposed to and be able to fall in love again and be friends with people, i really dont want to be this mess who can only thinka bout herself because the rest of her mind is just jammed stuck and nothing seems to get through the barriers.
im totally failing in school again, i have no sense of direction whatsoever and i cant help but really, really, really dislike myself(i cant say hate because it sounds too 12-year-old).
i cant make myslef do things i dont want to do and i dont enjoy anything anymore so i pretty much do nothing besides being on the computer and watching television and read and eat(too much) and sleep(too little).
i cant tell anyone about this, iff i tell my mom i know shell feel horrible and then tries to make all kinds of plans to make me feel better like doing chores to keep be busy, my friends dont really know what to do, hell, i dont know what to do so off course they dont.
i just wish I had one person who would make me forget, even if it was just for an hour or two. I used to have that, and it was what got me through the worst parts. I dont know if ill make it whithout someone like that.
I should do something to express myself besides this, but drawing and writing just dont cut, and i cant really sing or anything so i just end up cutting myself again and i know that doesnt make any sense but it sure as hell is how it feels.
i just want this fucking mess to end(oh, now this one is explicit too i guess) well its the way i feel and since this is my total-honesty blog, here it is: IM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS WHOLE FUCKING SHIT-ASS LIFE.
There.
So long and goodnight.
x
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I have had that problem(expicit content)screw thoughts.com lol On the tool bar top of the pages has enable language filter,mess around with that,I believe enable is ok ,(do you want to enable language filter) is the meaning I get from it .I hate that stupid little link they put in ..book mark permalink etc
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Posted by flipmaster
on 2008-01-20 17:42:49
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your cuss words came thru Oh umm welcome to the real world. Advice for anyone including myself got to work it girl?
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Posted by flipmaster
on 2008-01-20 17:46:18
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can i help you?
i am the same as you, i feel the same, i am the same.
i need help.
can i help you? i think it will help me..
:/
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Posted by sunshinelafoy
on 2008-01-22 16:22:27
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If you need to talk... about anything feel free to contact me. I've been going through the same feelings.
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Posted by LadiLucifer
on 2008-02-14 08:54:42
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| Views: 59
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