25279 Blog Feed: Squoosie 2008-08-13 11:08:36 Squoosie Your e-mail address 91093 2008-04-28 09:49:50 It seems that the most repeated statement I have had lately is "that's the plan"
I have had my share of troubles and hard times in my 41 years but things always seem to work out!
I am always been a big believer in "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" so it is not a shock to say
that I am a strong person. I know life is not easy and it is forever changing and I refuse to stop trying.....

So my plan was a number of steps
Step 1 was to end my relationship that wasn't working out!
Step 2 sell the house....is only half mine and it is just a house
Step 3 get accepted to college
Step 4 find an apartment
Step 5 get a student loan for school

Then in Septemeber it would be just me and my son (which it seems it has always been) living
in a new place both attending school and working hard.

I am so happy to say that the plan has been coming together well which is why I haven't been online at
thoughts lately.

I sold my house....got accepted and there is an apartment in an ideal location I need to go see this week!!!!!!!

It is raining right now and I am afraid that I may get hit by lightning...LOL things are going so well with the "PLAN"

Today is a quiet day for me and it is sinking in that I am going to be a student. I will be 42 in September when
school starts....so crazy. I am excited and scared to death at the same time but that is the feeling as a whole with everything about starting over.

I know I am ready to start my life over again. I will be alone but so often I have felt alone as far as a relationship goes in the past year.  I would love to add a realtionship to my plan but afraid to ask for too much the plan is already so big.

So here is to the success of the plan so far.....almost there!  It is very hard to believe how much my life is going to change soon.!




]]> 88643 2008-04-20 20:05:07
     Five years ago I left my husband after a long 12 year marriage. It was by far the longest relationship in my life
other than my childhood relationship with my parents/siblings. Like every other aspect of life it taught me many
things about people and myself. I learned even more about myself after I left the relationship when I look back
there is so much more to realise today that I didn't realise then. Seems so easy to understand things when it is
over....hindsight is 20/20!

      I am grateful for it because firstly I cannot change it...I have to accept it was and no longer is. But I am also
grateful for the lessons I learned and the knowledge I gained about so many things including myself. The most
important part is that my son came from that relationship and I would endure it all again including the hard times ten times over to be here today and have him. He is the love of my life...

     It has ALWAYS been me and him...and when the 12year relationship ended I packed up the love of my life and we started over! Of course it wasn't easy and I was scared to death but he smiled and me and totally trusted me to  take care of him and I did my best. Turned out my best was good enough to keep us comfortable. We didn't have any money but we had what we needed and we were doing well. I was dating some but nobody special and it was okay. 

     Then he came.....I believed him and trusted him and committed again. It lasted about 3 years technically but was over before that. If I was honest I would admit that after the 1st year it wasn't going to work. We tried sometimes at the same time but mostly it was him saying he was trying and apologizing because he wasn't.  Long story short I learned before the hindsight...not that there isn't any because there is I was just able to see things for what they were and what they were not sooner than later.

Now here I am starting over again....my love of my life is taller and smarter and still smiling at me convinced
that I can do this again...that we can do this again!  It is soooooooooo scary but exciting too. Here's to a new life....a better one!
]]> 84945 2008-04-09 14:04:38 Hey you....here is the writing from the book thorn birds. It is my favorite poem...well guess it isn't actually a poem.

There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in it's life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then singing among the savage branches, it rises above it's own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in the heaven smiles. For the best is only brought at the cost of great pain.......Or so says the legend.

The thorn bird with the thorn in it's breast, it follows an immutable law; it is driven but it knows not what to impale itself and die singing. At the very instant the thorn enters there is no awareness in it of the dying to come; it simply sings and sings until there is not the life left to utter another note. But we, when we put the thorns in our breasts, we know. We understand. And still we do it. Still we do it...

I am sure that a lot of you have either read the book or seen the movie....

The author is the 1977 Best Selling Author....australian Colleen McCullough and the movie was a miniseries that began playing in 1983 starring Richard Chamberlain and Rachel Ward. It became the United State's 2nd highest rating mini series behind Roots!
]]> 83282 2008-04-05 00:07:09
I believe that soulmate respresents the "ideal" person we wish to be with! The person we think will be the "one" for us. Believing in a soulmate gives one hope that there is a person out there somewhere that will make us happier than we have ever been. Do they actually exist? Do we hold on to an empty hope in order to push forward positively so we don't give up? Or do we use the "soulmate" for a reason to not try as much or not try at all?


I believe that when things get hard in a relationship some people stop trying. It is too easy to say "well that person wasn't my soulmate anyhow" Too easy to stop trying, hard to work at. But isn't anything worth having worth fighting for? Those who search for their "soulmate" may be missing out the chance for happiness with those who are less than perfect.

Let's face it nobody is perfect, we all have our faults. Just like we would take good things for granted and not realise how good they are without the bad to compare it to!
We should always accept the good with the bad it makes people REAL!

Wouldn't you want "real" with its great side and its not so great sides than to be alone.....waiting for that "soulmate" you have formed in your mind? I may not believe that there is just one person out there for us...soulmate! But I believe in souls. I believe that people who touch our souls should be held close to our hearts and never forgotten. These people are the ones we should strive to know, the ones that "do" touch us, the ones you need to take notice of and not miss while waiting for that "soulmate"

Nobody needs to be perfect, just perfect for you!



Happiness will only come to you if you truly want to be happy!
]]> 52594 2008-01-20 13:55:12 I know that especially as women we pay attention to the wonders and the hours. I know so many times I have sat there in a moment wanting to desperately etch it into my mind so that I will never forget what is happening and how I feel at the time. Sometimes they are beautiful memories, romantic or even sad. But for one reason or another I feel like I need to remember it.
Maybe I need to remember so I learn from it....cherish a memory that I can bring up in my mind from time to time....whatever the reason it happens. Life is short and without those moments life isn't worth remembering.We have so much in our minds when we are adults...especially some of us that have been around for 40+ years. So many people...events....moments and without all of them together each one isn't anything without the others. You can't forget pain because without it you don't feel the joy. Without the lost you don't rememeber how good it was.

Do I regret? Sometimes I wonder if it is better not to have experienced something so I could change the outcome.
I have a friend that has somewhat of a "motto" for lack of words that is "I regret nothing"
It would be nice to have that but I don't think I can be like that because I tend to hold things close. People from the past have usually made an impression or taught me something for the future. Everyone I have ever loved in the distant past....the recent past and all of those in the future will always have a piece of my heart. If I loved you then I will always love you. True love never fades...life just has a way of changing.

Sometimes it changes when you least expect it and more often than not it is usually at the time you are not ready for it. I am sure that we all have something happen or someone came into our lives and it was so hard we never thought we could handle it and wanted it to be gone and maybe some welcome the experience and learned from it.I have had both. A whole lot of experience and have had things happen and have regretted them...some not to the point where I wish they didn't happen at all because they changed time to what happened afterwards so without that the others things wouldn't be.

What I am trying to say is that I do understand regrets but I try my best not to have them. In the end we can not undo the past only learn from them.

These are a couple of lines from a song I love the song is on my podcast to hear

www.thoughts.com/blog/podcasts/littlewonders-428/

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

]]> 49853 2008-01-14 15:15:32 Life just took me away for a bit and thought I work through some
things but things didn't seem as easy to look at outside of here.
There were so many times I would think about this and that and
think gee that would make a good blog. But when I went to my
notepad to write (so I wouldn't lost it in here before it saved) I
would go blank.
I realise now that being here made it easy to write. Even though
all of my blogs haven't made it from my computer to here yet from
before they were typed  because of here.
I will get them here sooner or later .ce.

So here I am.....miss you all!!!!!!!!!

Suzie
XOXOX

P.S. I see that the friends list is working so some of you that weren't
on my friend list yet are now here. If there is anyone that I missed that
added me please do so again I think it will work now.
]]> 44677 2008-01-02 20:05:49 I came across this poem today that I had written in Feb 88. It is very interesting to go back to the feelings you had as a teenager girl. I was very sad as you can tell from the poem, but a month later I met my husband and although we are no longer together we share an amazing son.

Alone

I spend  a lot of time now
Thinking of how it use to be
I had someone here
But now there's only me

I have tried so very hard
To forget all those times
Spending those moments together
Which are now only mine

Don't try to tell me anymore
That my heart will finally mend
And there are others to come
That it's really not the end

Because I know it will never happen
My broken heart will never mend
And nobody will come here
To share memories with me again

Here I am all by myself
I hear myself crying everyday
Hoping tomorrow will be different
But I am alone, and alone I'll stay
]]> 44330 2008-01-02 02:08:07 Surprise Kindness

I have been very blessed to have family and friends that love and truly care about me. I would never take them for granted without that I am alone…one of my biggest fears.
In return they know that they can count on me for anything. It is very comforting knowing that you have that in your life and I wish that for everybody.

When one of those people show you kindness it is comforting but not surprising, because you know that if you were called upon to do the same you would.
Right now I am referring to kindness that is unexpected, when someone touches your life even if it is for a moment in time and it lasts a lifetime in your heart.

A few years ago my father passed away and it was one of the hardest things I have endured to this day. I hope to someday be able to write about it but for now I want to share this story with you.

At my father’s funeral there was a song played. The title is Go rest high on that mountain sang by Vince Gill.

My dad passed away just before Christmas and I found myself missing him so much. I still miss him and think of him every day so it is not surprising that about month after he died I was still very emotional.

I was at a pub with my sister having a couple of drinks and listening to karaoke. My sister liked to sing and there was a big competition. That night I was introduced to a man my sister knew that ran the competition. He was a handsome cowboy and I remember when I was introduced liking him right away he had a kind face and when he smiled you instantly felt like you had known him forever.

Later in the evening a competitor had his turn at singing and had chosen that very song that was played at my father’s funeral. I found myself welling up with tears and my heart seem to stop. I didn’t want anyone to see so I turned slightly away from the table of people we were with to look as tho I was concentrating on this singer. Instead I was trying desperately not to make a scene and ruin the competition.

I felt my sister put her hand on my shoulder then she asked if I was okay. All I could manage was a nod….there was no way I could speak without crying even more.
I was trying not too get too involved in the song but it just seemed to go forever.
I thought about leaving and going to the bathroom but before I could that is when he came over. Yes the cowboy with his crisp white shirt, faded jeans, worn boots and that kind face came over. I could hear him ask my sister if everything was okay and she replied that the song that was playing was the song that was played at our dad’s funeral and it had been very hard on me.

Next thing I know through the tears I see this hand being offered to me. I looked up and that cowboy was looking at me with these eyes that looked so kind and caring. I took his hand and he lead me to the dance floor closer to the song. He took his other hand and gently put it on my back and we danced. I allowed myself to listen to the words and remember my dad but this time it was different from sitting on the chair. I had felt so alone and missing my dad so much and sad, but dancing I felt closer to my dad and safer in a sense that I knew that it was okay to cry and that maybe I should.

Every time I took a deep breath I needed because of the crying he would hold me a little tighter like he was holding me up. I laid my head on his shoulder and by the time the song ended I had stopped crying and felt like I could breathe again. Then he gave me a long hug and he didn’t let go until I did. The song ended but we stood there like that for a few minutes.

I remember wondering if he was some sort of cowboy knight in his crisp white shirt or if my father had something to do with his actions.

Now when I listen to the song I don’t just miss my dad I can remember the kindness of an almost stranger…..something I will never forget and will always treasure in my memory.

Kindness can come when you least expect it or from those you least expect it from….and maybe even with the help of a loved one but when it happens cherish it like I will because it is a very good feeling….

If you are interested you can listen to the song on my pod casts.












http://www.thoughts.com/Squoosie
]]> 44146 2008-01-01 17:18:22
Dear Tears,

     Normally when I write I start with "how are you" but seriously how many choices are there for tears?
Sad, overjoyed and maybe fear? I know you are sad because I feel it...I feel it right now. I just wanted to
ask you if we could maybe have some time apart? I don't want you to be sad...or sadder than you are already.
You have been around a lot lately....okay well maybe not a lot but we have seen each other often enough
that I feel like I need some space. 
I will be totally honest it isn't all that much fun to have you around.
Maybe in my teenage years being a silly young girl it was comforting or when I was older and thought I wasn't capable of crying anymore but right now I need to be alone. It is hard to think when you are around.
Just forget getting anything done around the house with you. All that gets accomplished is the moving to a different place to cry. I don't have time for that, there are things to do and in order to get them done I need you to go away. I need you to understand and do as I ask please.

I am sure we will see each other soon enough.....good bye
Suzie



]]> 43138 2007-12-30 01:44:08 Well almost all of us were there before...that dreaded repeating New Year's Resolution coming forward in your mind. Do you have one or more of them....a New Year's resolution you make every year that gets started but some how never continues? Sometimes it is one that we share with others or even more likely one that we keep to ourselves so we don't have to show our failure.

Every year for many I have resolved to keep a journal. One year I kept one for a period of time that has not been even closely met since. My husband read it and made comments in the margin...after that I would censor it. Holding back honest thoughts or writing purposely so he would see it....not the way a journal should be.
I am hoping now that I found "thoughts" that I could make that resolution this coming year and be successful.

From what I have read here so far on thoughts I believe it is what I am looking for. A place to write what I am thinking, get things off my mind and even by sharing it all with people here it will be insightful and maybe even be helpful to someone else.

Here's to one New Year's Resolution....cheers!

Suzie


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