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Everything is always so messed up. I'm never going to be able to escape the dysfunction in my life. I mess everything up, or the world messes it up for me. Nothing I have has only positive thoughts surrounding it. I'm always on the brink of losing what matters to me most. And I'm tired. It all just catches up with me. I'm feeling hopeless and lost in my world. I don't belong here. I'm too different from everyone. I can't relate to most people, and I've yet to find someone that can relate to me. I just get hurt by everyone. I don't know.
Right now I'm at the point where I think I've made a few bad decisions on my life path. Always my ambition has far exceeded my talent. Now my ambition is fastly fading and where am I going to go? I knew making my hobby my career was bad. But I have no clue what to do. And at this point I don't want to do anything. I'd be happy cleaning stalls for the rest of my life as long as it pays the bills. No more ambition, remember? But maybe it's not a lack of ambition. Some people just don't need great things to make their lies complete. Is there something wrong with only wanting simplicity?
Everyone looks at me and thinks things are so great. But I feel like a glass figurine. Seemingly flawless from the distance, but when you get close, you see all the cracks in the glaze. I'm covered with them. I've torn my soul apart so many times and sewed it back together. But I'm no seamstress. The stitches aren't holding that strong, some are fraying and others are pulling loose. I can't hold myself together if I fall apart in opposite locations. I'm too tired anymore to even care. I'm by myself and exhausted. And not the kind that a good night's sleep is the remedy for. It's deeper and more sinister than that. And there's no solution and it's killing me. Seriously, this will end me at some point, and not necessarily because I want it too. It's so controlling and it's not that I give into it, it's that it blocks out what is me. It makes me think in a way that I don't know what is me and what the depression is. I can't tell. I can't tell. All I know is that I'm so done with all of this. I'm never going to change and the thought of a life in this purgatory is so unappealing.
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My life has gone through some pretty strange cycles and you are just going through a few of them from what I read about in your life yourself . Things are not always in black and white for you to read easily. it comes in shades and you need to start to see things in color.Sure things seem fake to you but let me tell you they are not.I've been there myself I don't know exactly what your feelings are about please elaborate. You are not by yourself the whole world is with you and a part of your life. Your web page is interesting. have a good day.B
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Posted by BELMONT
on 2007-12-06 16:47:17
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Pressure! It all boils down to pressure. Pressure to be satisfied with something. We are told to be satisfied with money, good jobs, good families, good relationships, etc,etc... Ambition has not lost its root in you, just direction. Your heart longs for one thing; a true connection w/ love. -My advise read "Soul Cravings" by Erwin McManus, or listen to his podcast. Keep us posted on your thoughts, you express them well in your analogies!
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Posted by ddeweyy
on 2007-12-06 17:54:45
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Thanks...I looked up Soul Cravings on Amazon...I'm going to order a copy :)
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Posted by SomethingUnusual
on 2007-12-07 14:33:44
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it is hard for me to go back and read this about you I want you you to know this looking at life and being patient for it will take a little time for think to change in your life fot the better but then again I do not know what you want it is you want out of your life choose wisely.God bless B.
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Posted by BELMONT
on 2008-01-17 22:16:12
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| Views: 107
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