I'm having a lot of doubts.  I don't know.  I've changed a lot in the last year.  I mean, I'm still the same person in most ways, but my perspective has changed.  The way I live has changed, everything has changed. A lot has happened to me, and I may not be the better for it, but it has given me a lot of different thoughts.   I trusted people I shouldn't have.  I seperated myself from people I shouldn't have.  I've forgiven people I shouldn't have and haven't forgiven people that I should.  I'm not angry when I should be.  I cry when I shouldn't.  I've done some things I really should have known better than to do.  And I was foolish to not do some things I should of.  I didn't talk when I should have.  I didn't say things that needed to be said.   And in some cases, I talked way too much and said things for reasons I don't know.  I broke a few times again.  Too many times in a row to really be able to heal properly.  I was pushed so far over the edge by some things, I don't know if I can climb back up, go back to the way I was.

I'm just not sure this whole horse thing was a good idea anymore.  I don't think I want it to be in my life anymore.  I don't really want much to do with this industry.  I'm really feeling that I just want my horse to enjoy and that be it.  Just my horse.  And when he's gone, just forget I ever wanted anything to do with this animal.  Maybe I'll always want a horse of my own.  And if I get the urge to train something, I can just buy a rank yearling or two year old and train it myself.  Keep it a hobby.  I can always keep it for myself, or turn around and sell it and start again.

I feel like I should have stayed at ESU and done the art thing.  Gone into graphic design and advertising.  Making webpages and stuff.  I know all the HTML coding and java nonesense.  I don't even need editors to make a webpage.  I can do it all raw mostly.  But I'm in too deep now.  This education was too expensive. I'm trapped in it now.  I can't afford to go to school to learn something else to make a career out of.  I'm tens of thousands of dollars in debt.  I don't have a choice but to do this.  I'm trapped. 

Another problem: I don't think my body is going to hold up to this career.  I hurt so much when I get off a horse that was giving me a hard time, or when I jump heavy.  My knees buckle underneath me.  I don't think they are going to last 30-40 years doing this.   The only reason I did all this was because I needed some stablilty in my life and the only thing i had that gave it to me was Ninja.  So stupid me, I thought that was the sign to go into this career.