It can get tricky, being human. extremes of how we feel make any happy situation the best and any bad situation the worst. moods can change over a few moments. one can go from hopeless to livid and alive to suicidal. somehow, you feel so powerless to the whims of your heart. and no amount of logic seems to overpower how you feel. one second your life is on track, everything is going as you planned, everything is on track and the sky itself seems to smile down at you every time you look up. suddenly, one little assumption, usually taken for granted, falls apart and in an instant, your spirit is destroyed.

as humans, our natural deffense is to wall ourselves in. build up a multitude of facades, wear a bunch of masks for the world around us. we function much like turtles. try poking a turtle, it receeds its limbs and head back in its shell. that's exactly how we function.

though the function might be the same, the mechanics are quite complicated and often beyond comprehension.

more often than not, we are the device of our own misfortunes.


i see life as a big dark cave. everyone's stumbling around trying to find a way out into the light. every once in a while a ray or two spear through a crack and you squint as you try and see what lies outside. i stumbled upon another wandered. i could not see her in the dark, but her words felt like a ray of light in that cave. we spoke of love, we spoke of life and not too long thereafter, we realized that we were speaking each other's thoughts.

its the feeling you get when you're writing an assignment and you call a friend to confirm if you're on the right track and the friend confirms all your answers. you realize that all the time and effort spent finding those answers was not wasted. and though the professor has not passed the ultimate judgement on those answers, you find some solace in the fact that your thought process was not retarded and you obviously are doing something right.

that is the feeling i got in that cave. this stranger found me confused and dazed but managed to assure me that i was on the same path she was on towards the light. my spirits were lifted. i shared more with her, told her stories of the cracks of light i had seen before. i let down my guard and told her things i considered secret and the fruits of my labor.

then one night, concern clouded my mind and my thoughts. human instinct and years of surviving told me that it was too good to be true. instinct bred feelings of a trap. maybe this stranger was not as perfect as i thought she was. maybe i was better off without her. how did she know me this well? how did she make me believe so much so swiftly? was i foolish in letting my guard down? was i too rash to trust? should i be worried?

when i woke up, i did not share my recent thoughts with her. i did not tell her about my growing doubt of her legitimacy. night after night, those feelings grew, fed on my thoughts like a parasite. and soon, that ugly parasite made me doubt the one thing that had made sense after so long. the beautiful friendship was standing on an initial stepping stone of trust and this parasite made that one stone, that crucial stone rot and rust.

i let go of her hand trying to protect myself. what i realized immediately afterwards was how i let go of my only shield. i had nothing to fear of the one thing that i relied on in this dark place. and now, i am alone. without a weapon, without a shield......... vulnerable....... in the cave.