So, this is a topic that i've experienced before. i just never realized how long its been. And i forgot how intense this feeling is. i just felt it again, and i had to write about it.

You all are here for the same purpose, to write out what you feel. to let the world know how you feel about things. just express yourselves, the best way you can and to the fullest extent you can.

it's always hard taking that first step. might even feel alien for the first time. you feel awkward when you write what you feel the first time. i remember the first time i wrote something down about my life. i remember because i started much too late, i feel. i never used to express myself a lot. not even to my friends. so when i wrote something down about myself the first time, i felt awkward and silly. just to make it more human, i named my diary and wrote in it as if i was talking to her. why i decided that my diary was a girl, i dont know. i think i consider girls to be the generally more compassionate gender.

but by the time i finished my first diary, i had a computer in my room. and writing stuff down in word documents was just so much easier. besides, i thought it was good typing practice.

not long after, my thoughts had established a prominent flow right through my fingertips on the keyboard. my fingers would type out my thoughts as fast as i would feel them. and penning my thoughts down didn't seem like such a strange experience anymore. 

and then, slowly, but surely, i understood the power of words. words as a defense. words as a weapon. i learned how to wield words to my advantage.

there are several words out there that perfectly describe situations. then there are words that sometimes fall short. but some words in particular are so strong. typing them out at first felt strange. i felt strange. but using those words became a habit. and putting my points across became even easier.


and then came the sharing. to share your most private thoughts. to share your most sacred ideas. with someone else. anyone else. with people you consider close. with strangers. i always found writing so easy. and that became my prefered method of communication. just write everything down. it was meaningful and extremely pure, yet i felt comfortable doing it. just writing everything out.


and then came higher expectations. a request for a verbal exchange of thoughts. if done formally, your vulnerability can be hidden behind a professional mannerism. but if done in an informal and highly personal situation, that's where it gets tricky. at least, it did, for me.

i never had to speak my thoughts to anyone before i was in my first relationship. even then, i tried to keep the communication as WRITTEN as i possibly could. but there's only so long you can keep that up. before i knew it, i was expected to say strong words that my lips had never spoken before.

it felt like a foreign language on my tongue. like trying to pronounce something in arabic or russian. your tongue is not used to making such sounds. it has grown up without ever having to use such sounds. and even though your tongue is perfectly capable of pronouncing these strong words that describe intense feelings, your mind makes saying them an uncomfortable experience.

i felt that feeling tonight. i've been talking to this beautiful human being. well, by talking, i mean over the internet through written words. i've been writing my thoughts to her. and i've been reading her thoughts. and i discovered an amazing connection there. amazing enough that a there was a need for strong words. strong words to describe our thoughts and emotions. and i felt at ease using these words even with this beautiful stranger.

but today, i spoke to her. not through written word and not through some connection of the heart. by the words spoken by my lips fell gently upon her ears. and her words on mine. and the nervousness i felt throughout the conversation is beyond compare! i felt nervous, i felt afraid, i felt scared, and yet my heart felt excited. it frequently skipped beats, sometimes several together. i found my thoughts running wild and my heart urging me to express them. my fingertips shook fervently as if hammering words out on a keyboard, instead hitting nothing but air. the only outlet left for my thoughts was through my mouth, through my voice.

and the thoughts seemed to rush straight towards my mouth and suddenly stopped. it was as if they were afraid of leaving the refuge behind my lips. often i gave them encouraging pushes. yet they stopped mid sentence. often i tried tipping them all out in a jerk and a mumbling stew of sounds came out. and sometimes i tried to shield them with a sort of fake confidence, that i really didn't have.

and when it was over, i was so relieved to relax my lips. yet i was saddened to let her go. i wanted to speak to her. i wanted to say so many things. yet i couldn't.

i felt like a fool.

i think my lips need practice saying the words my heart feels. i think i'm going to say things to myself in the mirror now.... (fingers crossed)