I feel wide awake. it's 2:30 in the morning and i feel absolutely wide awake. but not just in terms of the sleep. but i feel awake from this sort of illusion i was probably going through.

those tight lines between real life and my dreams were dimming in and out lately. looking back, they seem to be a lot blusrry than i would imagine. my perception of relaity has not been very vivid. and i find myself completing incomplete memories with dreams.

to imagine events that didn't happen. to believe they were real. when you relaize you've been dreaming all along, how then do you differentiate between what really happened and what didn't? was i cold? was i hungry? was my vision blurry? were the sounds of the world falling upon my deaf ears? did i see her? did she tell me she loved me? where is the heirarchy of questions i can answer? can i answer these questions?

my heart is broken once again. the pieces are on the floor beside me. i pick them up, but some pieces are so thinned out after all these years that they slip through my fingers like sand. now i have a heart with holes punched in it and the broken pieces that filled those holes and made it complete, the wind stole them away.

all the tears have been cried away. all my strength punished the walls i banged my fists on. but my vision isn't blurry any more. i can see my fingers infront of my eyes. i see that scar from 2 years before. how much did that injury hurt i wonder? was i in pain? did i scream then? was there blood? or was it a dream again?

the scar is there, so the dream was there too wasn't it then?

my heart is broken, so the dream was there too wasn't it?

then i think about a day in 2 more years. what will i think when i wake up friday morning? will i wake up with a broken smile? or will i wake up with a livid tear down my cheek?

will today be a memory? or will today be another dream i thought was left unfulfilled?

who will answer my questions? will i hold someone one day? will she whisper those three words in my ear if i hold her? will she shiver when i tell her those same words? or will she forget them the next day? just like you, and you, and you, and you....

i am awake now. but is this a dream too?