So work finally gave me a Sunday off, and I was glad to go. It's been a minute since I've spent a whole day with my family, due to the situtation I am currently in. It took me a while to understand that no matter how much I hate something or someone, sacraficing to deal with it just doesnt go a long way or maybe it's not worth it. Im finally ready to tell everyone why I am so bitter, why I am so hateful, mean, untrusting, and the whole nine yards. I was in love with a man for a very long time, that I put my whole heart out there for him. He told me during our long ass relationship that it was only one girl he had been with for a long time like me and he cared about... he said if he ever saw her again, if she came back, he would leave whomever he was with to be with her. I just so happened to be "THAT LUCKY GIRL". He and I broke up. He says it wasnt because of her, but im not stupid. He still would call me like everyday, we would hang out, do the normal things a couple would do, but we werent a couple. We had agreed that we wouldnt see other people because it was temporary. I knew he was with her, and I waited for 6months too long. I guess when he got tired of her, he came back to me. I shouldnt have taken him back, but I did. In fact he made me feel so low when I told him that I had been with someone else. He made me feel as if I hurt him deeply. I cried constantly because I said to myself how could I have been so stupid to have done that to him? I asked him was he with her he told me NO... everything was good until 7mths later when I found out she was pregnant by him. I tried to save face and make excuses for him. Saying that aint no way that child could be his if they had sex once, the condom came off he stopped and never came... (that was his story) but here I am, been with him for almost 5 years screwed like rabbits, and never wound up pregnant. Until now, A month before there so called child is born. The funny thing is, he said we were supposed to be together, he wants a family with me, doesnt love her, didnt want this kid that she is having, but she kept it inspite of me, because she knew I hated her, she knew it was going to put us through hell. All he could tell me when I got pregnant was that we got to get it taken care of. I cant have two kids at the same time. Now he's supposed to love me and only want to be with me, but he said that I tried to trap him. 4 years of a relationship and I tried trapping him when in reality she did it. You see he will never understanding the true meaning of a broken ass heart until I do him the way he did me. The only difference is I was willing to stay and try, but shit became to hard. I felt like i was giving more then what I was getting in return. Now here I am 7 weeks pregnant and his whole family wants me to have an abortion. They say it will be best for us, because we need to work on our relationship and stuff. Im saying damn, i've been here for 4 years and this is what I get. It's okay for me to not take my anger out on his kid, but kill mine just because it isnt fair to his son. They said I was selfish. I dont care about how much he has to pay... selfish says they love me and only want me. All he wants me to do is put that in the past move on with him, and stop talking about her because she hasnt said or done anything to me. You have no idea how many times I asked God "WHY ME? WHY NOW? WHY HER?" but it's not HIS fault. I should've been smarter, I should have just left before things got complicated. But now it's too late because I am an angry woman writing her thoughts online. I came to the conclusion to have the abortion, either way it goes im going to suffer. Im completely against it, but he has her to thank for his double life. Physically speaking, I cant do it anymore, Ima ending up driving myself crazy. I mean I love him, but that doesnt make everything right. I cant live my life knowing that I have to play cat in mouse with this girl because they dont want anything to get started between us. Shit, im tired. Im sooo tired. I hate what my life has become, I hate that I have to terminate my child, I hate that his child gets to have life. And even if the doctor comes back when she has this baby this following week and says it's not his, if it isn't all im saying is middle finger to the sky, and F U. I couldnt forgive him anyway because the damage was already done. One day the whole truth will come out...but I wont be here to see it or hear it.
