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| TO BE HAPPY |
The last time I saw fireworks with anyone I was a teenager. Years ago, when I was growing up my cousin Kathy and I would end up stuffed into the back of some uncle or aunts vehicle. Usually aunt Betty from Ohio….she was the more adventurous of the aunts.
We would each have a blanket. Betty would find us a spot- we would park. And all of my little cousins would file out of the back of her van. Kathy and I would put one blanket on the ground to sit on…and we would share the other one. The fireworks were always amazing.
The Fourth was a big deal when I was a kid. We would have a giant picnic at my grandmother’s house. My uncle Mike and Aunt Betty would come in from Ohio…Mike would bring illegal fireworks. We would play ball and picnic all day. When the sun finally set- Mike would let off the fireworks. Then Betty would drive us to town to watch the “real” ones. It would always rain on our drive over…stopping just in time for the show.
Sparklers and Fireflies. Hotdogs and Watermelon. Bumble Bees and Volleyball. What fond memories I have of that time frame. This was back years ago…when parents didn’t divorce. They fought like cats and dogs and hated one another with a passion…but families remained families forever.
Twenty years, it has been twenty years since someone took me to see fireworks. My parents divorced. My father plotted to leave my mother homeless- so she would have to come back to him. I gave her a place to stay. I lost my family in the blink of an eye. My kid brother married a woman and became absorbed into her family. My mother remarried …and was absorbed into his family. I was left alone.
I have gone by myself to the fireworks on the 4th. I have attempted to start my own holiday traditions. But in reality- I honestly feel like I have spent years being dead on the inside.
I met Randy and Miranda at a local restaurant. We had a nice dinner. We then went to the movies. We saw the Proposal. A chick flick…but chick flicks with Sandra Bullock in them are basically the only ones I can stomach. It was good. It stopped raining- just in time for the show. Randy and I stood quietly and watched them…as Miranda babbled on her cell phone- to her friend who was parked half a mile away.
He touched my shoulder a few times. Whispered in my ear when his daughter wasn’t looking. I felt like a couple of teenagers. After the show, we pulled out of the parking lot under the cover of darkness. Gridlock for miles naturally. Radio blaring-happy people in the car- everything seemed right with the world.
It hit me. Like a ton of bricks it hit me. I stared out the window fighting back the tears. Randy must have caught my reflection in the window- he reached over and squeezed my leg. I gave him a half hearted smile then went back to looking out the window.
I am terrified to enjoy this. I am terrified to be happy. There will come a day when I will have to give all of this up. And I am not sure I would be able to live life the way I once did.
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Posted by SimpleSugar on 2009-07-05 15:18:47 | Rating: | Views: 17
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