| View Blog
|
|
|
|
| The Last Time |
I was thinking about the last time Grandma A stayed the night at our house on Christmas eve. I was a teenager. My dad had several brothers and sisters in the area- it was always a huge secret argument about where Grandma A would spend the night Christmas Eve. She was a very unhappy negative woman that made everyone around her miserable. She spent the last 30 years of her life telling everyone that THIS would be her last…spring, fall, Christmas fill in the blank, you get the picture.
The last Christmas she spent at our house I was a teenager. She got to sleep in my bed- and I stayed up all night watching It’s a Wonderful life back to back. The thing is at the time, it never occurred to me that THIS would be the last time Grandma A would spend Christmas Eve night at our house. I just assumed that life would continue as it had been.
I never imagined Grandma S’s last Christmas in her home would be the way it was. The following spring she had a stroke that paralyzed her left side. She never saw home again. I still have the pictures we took that day. She looked healthy and happy. I never imagined THAT was our last Christmas at her house.
Our last Christmas as a whole family- before my parents divorced- I didn‘t know that would be the end. The following Easter- my parents split up. We lost my father’s half of the family. He got custody of them in the divorce.
Our last Christmas with my kid brother- before he met his wife and decided to spend every waking hour with her side of the family. The last Christmas with my mom- before she remarried- and committed herself to her new husband’s side of the family.
My first Christmas alone. That day hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t see it coming. I thought things would just continue as they always had been. Suddenly, I was alone. Totally alone. It didn’t fully hit me until Christmas Eve. I volunteered to work hoping it would cushion the blow. The senior people wanting the extra cash beat me to it. I would have given them the cash.
Instead I spent my first Christmas alone at a homeless shelter handing out toys to kids. I thought helping those less fortunate would make the holiday easier for me. I didn’t. From there I drove to a local park, which was closed. I went in anyway. If someone arrested me, at least I would have somewhere to go.
No one was around. I sat on the cold frozen ground and watched the stars. I still remember that night vividly. I remember how the frosty grass felt. I remember losing feeling in my legs but not wanting to get up. I remember the stars- billions of them.
I can not recall my last Christmas’ with people nearly as well as I can recall my first one alone. It’s funny how you don’t know what you have- until it’s gone.
This season is shaping up to be slightly different. I have been seeing R for 5 months. I am much closer to him that I ever was with Joey, Mark, Richard, Kevin any of the guys I was “serious” about. We tentatively step around one another. Trying not to invade the other’s family, trying not to add pressure to our relationship- but still trying to find ways to be together.
I hope we stay together. I hope this will be our first Thanksgiving, our first Christmas…together.
|
|
Posted by SimpleSugar on 2009-11-08 10:40:33 | Rating: | Views: 9
|
|
| |
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
