I had not laid eyes upon him in 4 and a half days. I had not seen him since he left my house that Saturday morning. I will admit….I was rather smitten at first. The more time we spent apart, the more doubts began to cloud my mind.

He would call me through out the week. He would tell me he missed me. I would tell him the same, at first I said it with great conviction. Later, it became just an appropriate measured response. Like saying “Thank you” when someone pays you a compliment that makes you uncomfortable.

The more time passed the more I realized that I had nothing in common with this man. We are exact opposites. He is an extrovert- I am an introvert. He requires constant stimulation…always has to be doing something…going somewhere. I can be content for hours just watching the wind blow through the trees.

He is spontaneous. He waits to the last possible second to make plans. I am controlled. I want and need to know what is going to happen…I am not crazy about surprises.

He called me and made plans for us to have dinner with his daughter. I drove over to meet them. I was nervous. I didn’t expect him to hug me in front of his daughter. He didn’t even look at me. He made a B line to the shopping cart that had been abandoned in the parking lot…fearing it would hit his car.

Dinner was quiet. We laughed and talked a little. Afterward he asked if they could visit me. I said yes. They brought me a present from their trip. A metal cross that sits on a table…it has a quote on it that all things are possible if one “believes”. I have it sitting on my table in the living room. A quotation that I do not believe…adorns the glass table in my sitting room. I am quite the hypocrite. A small stuffed turtle with giant green eyes…something special he picked out for me. Giant green eyes, I see myself in that turtle.

He told me his daughter would be seeing a movie with one of her friends on Friday evening…perhaps the two of us could spend some time together. I caught a smirk on his daughters face when he said it. I wonder what she thinks?

He called me last night. We talked for awhile. He talked about his job prospects, and about his finances again. This man spends a lot of time talking about money. I know he is in an unusual place right now. The burden of his future is surely foremost on his mind. I can not help but wonder if perhaps he sees me as a live preserver of sorts.

But then again, that isn’t really fair to him. He was perusing me a long time ago. Long before the destruction of the mother company. I remember him, I remember avoiding him. He would hover around the door when we would arrive at the same time. I would intentionally linger in my car pretending to gather things, hoping I wouldn’t have to talk to him.

More than just being shy….I was in love with Joey, and did not desire attention of any kind from any other male. This man I barely knew going out of his way to try and talk to me. Freaked me out a little.

Randy is good to me. He is kind to me. We have nothing in common, but it doesn’t seem to bother him. He tells me that he misses me. I assume it is the truth. I cringe a little on the inside when he holds me close and whispers that he is falling in love with me.

It makes me a terrible person I know. I am broken. Dead on the inside. Too many years of abuse and neglect. I wish that I felt more for him than I do. I hope that he will be patient with me.