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I live Two different lives. I have for over 7 years now. In the one life I work, I garden, I visit my parents. I go to church on Sunday morning with my best friend. I go walking with my best friend. I go hiking and take photographs. This is my public life. I am quiet I keep to myself. My private life is a little different. I suppose it makes me a hypocrite. I know it makes me a hypocrite. Because my private life is nothing to be proud of.

I haven’t had a real relationship with a man in over a decade. Sure, I have dated guys off and on. But nothing serious. For the past 7 years I have been having an affair with Joey. In our everyday relationship we are just good friends. We laugh and talk- but we do not behave like two people in love. But about 1-2 times a month we end up having sex. The thing is, he doesn’t want to be in a real relationship with me. He just wants to be my friend, and have sex with me every now and then.

I have tried to break this thing off more times than I can count. I have seen other guys…but I always end up coming right back to Joey. He becomes very angry when I tell him I need more in a relationship than what he is willing to give to me. He doesn’t want me to see other guys- at times he becomes quite hateful about it, other times he seems to encourage it. Confuses the daylights out of me.

At any rate, the house beside my parents is going to be for sale soon. This house isn’t much bigger than the one I live in now, and it is in decidedly worse condition. My parents are all excited, and are trying to talk me into it. My step-dad says he will mow my grass for me if I buy it, my mom tells me living beside them is one way to NOT have drug dealers as neighbors.

My parents house is so peaceful. They live the way I imagine life should be lived. They fix dinner every night. They work in the yard and on the house together. Their back yard is amazing. It looks like a shot from a garden magazine. They have lots of bird and squirrel feeders. I can sit for hours in their sun room watching their back yard and be totally happy. They make fires in their fire pit during the summer and sit in a swing and watch the fire while the sun sets.

They have a happy comfortable relaxed life. There is a part of me that thinks I am flat out insane for even considering it. They would watch my house all the time to try and see if I am home or what I am doing. If I miss church or take a vacation day from work- they would be right there talking about it.

There is another part of me that is starting to think maybe it’s time I embrace the hand I’ve been dealt. God doesn’t want me to be married or to have kids or to live the kind of life everyone else gets to live. He wants me to be a workaholic. He doesn’t want me to date. He wants me to be alone as much as it is humanly possible to be alone. Maybe I should embrace what He wants for me. If I lived next door to my parents I would never bring Joey to my house to have sex with him. I wouldn’t bring anyone to my house to have sex with them. If I lived next to my parents- I would just be living the one life. The Spinster Kind of Life.