I took a vacation day from work today. I went out to the pet cemetery and bought a headstone for my beloved cat who passed away in December. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to go back out there. I was there the day she was born, and I had her for 17 ½ years. It’s a long life for a cat, I still can’t believe she is gone. I had over 17 years of her coming out to meet me every evening when I came home. I am working on my second month without her- and I instinctively keep looking for her.

I have been sick for two solid weeks now. I have continued to work, and my reward for my dedication was to cover for Joey who called in sick all week. Thursday night when I was working late someone called his desk phone from a local cell phone. I knew it was very odd. They didn’t let it ring long enough to let it go to voice mail. His family & friends knew he had been sick all week- who would be calling him that late at work on a Thursday night?

I am still upset over that house. I can’t believe that I went through everything I have gone through since October only to lose a shot at that house Twice! It just seems like cruel and unusual punishment. I think I have gained 10 pounds this week. They had me on steroids and I was just too sick to exercise. Basically I sat in my cubicle like a veal all week long- with the exception of the one day I worked in the field.

I came home from the pet cemetery and went back to bed. I have been in bed all day. My house is a total disaster. I need to do laundry and dishes and anything that would make this place livable again. This place looks like the type of home a recluse crazy person would be found dead in. Maybe that’s what I am becoming.

I don’t know if it is because I am still so sick. Or if it is the emotional strain of my cat- or the paranoia that Joey is running around again. Maybe it is the fact that I have basically been in total isolation from all of my friends and family- due to the lethal social cocktail of my sickness and overwhelming overtime schedule. Maybe it is the total disappointment that all of my Herculean efforts still yield no fruit- in my quest to crawl out of this ghetto. Whatever the cause or the reason, I have had several weeks here of rather severe depression. I am so utterly disgusted with myself and my life- I am pretty much willing to turn the whole thing over to someone else. It’s not humanly possible that they could do worse than I have done.

I think I am burnt out. I probably need a vacation. I am just stuck in a very serious rut in my life.