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deja vu

Our Autumn leaves were pretty for about 3 hours. Now, they are a rusted out shade of brown that reminds me of funeral homes. Fall is on it’s last leg- winter is peaking around the corner.

“You are being ridiculous” the voice in my head says. “You should just keep your mouth shut and go.” It is a deep commanding voice- that voice that always bosses me around from the back of my head. It is the same voice that tells me to eat my vegetables, and to step away from the Hershey bar. The voice always has my best interest in mind.

R called me this morning just as he promised. He was in a mood again. Last night he had to go and pick up his daughter at his former in-law’s house. His ex-wife came out and invited him in. “I don’t want to go in with that piece of crap in there”. Is what he claimed to tell her. The piece of crap is his ex-wife’s boyfriend- the one she cheated on him with.

I grow weary of hearing about his ex-wife. It is disturbing the amount of time he spends talking and thinking about her. If I knew the full extent to which they communicate- I do not doubt it would upset me. I am tired of his mother’s deep depression mood swings dragging him down- in turn he drags me down. I am sick of watching him spoil his daughter and let her do and say whatever she wants- then complain bitterly that she is so disrespectful.

But most of all I am lonely. He works long hours all week long. We get to see one another usually briefly on Monday and Friday nights. The weekend hours when we both have off of work- his teenaged daughter is always in tow. I think I have just spent too many hours alone.

He invited me to go to the movies with them @ 4 today. He sounded weird when he invited me. I felt like perhaps he felt obligated to do so. He always seems happy when he talks to me. He will start off in a mood- but I will get him to laugh and lighten up.

I don’t know. There is this part of me that really just doesn’t want to go. This part that is tired of spending the weekends with his daughter. Selfish I know. I just didn’t sign up to date a 13 yr old girl.

Posted by SimpleSugar on 2009-11-01 10:53:14 | Rating: