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Joey and I broke up in May of last year. In July he remarried Cindy. I had kept all of the letters that he had written me over the years. I had kept the letters Mark had written me during the brief spell I had broken up with Joey and was seeing Mark.
I kept all of my love letters in a bag in my closet. Other men have written me letters over the years. However, I only kept the letters written by these men.
Mark and I have both moved on. We are actually still pretty good friends. It wasn’t hard to get over Mark.
It has been nearly impossible to get over Joey.
In July of last year when he remarried Cindy- I told myself I should burn his letters. I couldn’t do it. The fall of that year I thought about it again….it would give me closure- I reasoned. I still couldn’t do it. When I moved from my little house in the ghetto to this big house in the trees- I told myself that I should burn the letters.
“Don’t bring the old baggage from your old life into this new house. Make it a fresh start.”
I couldn’t do it. I packed them all up in a box- and moved them with me. I hid them in my closet.
May of this year it had been one year since Joey and I broke up. I told myself to burn the letters. I couldn’t do it.
June of this year I started seeing Randy. I still couldn’t do it.
July it had been one year since Joey had remarried Cindy- I was still seeing Randy- I still couldn’t burn the letters.
Today is my birthday.
I hadn’t planned to burn the letters. Something came over me. I felt so indifferent to the idea of it. I grabbed up the lighter fluid and matches- snatched the box of letters and took them to the edge of my property- beside the lake.
In a small metal can I burned all of the letters. I didn’t open them- I just burned them. All of the letters Joey had written me over seven and a half years. I even burned the cards and letters that Mark had given me.
I didn’t feel anything as I burnt them. I felt indifferent-
I came back into the house. Randy called me. He was sweet, but distant.
After we hung up it hit me like a tidal wave.
I sat and cried. Then I’ve managed to hit the Vodka bottle again….little drunk now. Drunk Blogging is a sin- well if it isn’t it probably should be.
I always believed that Joey and I would be together. I always believed it. Burning the letters closed the idea of that. And for a moment there it just broke my heart.
Randy treats me better than Joey did. Randy is better in bed that Joey ever was. I might be in the top 5- of people in Randy’s life. With Joey, I didn’t even break the top 10. Randy treats me better. Randy seems to appreciate me more.
What the Hell?
Why am I sad?
If I could take Joey back right now would I? Not a chance. If he hadn’t remarried Cindy and he asked me back right now knowing what I know….would I take him back? Not a chance.
Then what is it? Why am I so sad?
I am not. I refuse to be.
Abraham Lincoln said it. Though it does feel odd to quote AL. “People are about as happy as they choose to be.”
I am going to choose to be happy. I am going to pull it together. I am going to my mom’s and sit for awhile on my birthday- then I am going out to dinner with Randy. I am going to choose to be happy. And I don’t give a tinker’s damn why Joey didn’t pick me. I am with someone that treats me better. And even if Randy and I don’t work out. I am going to enjoy every minute until we crash and burn….
Ok then- Good talk.
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Posted by SimpleSugar on 2009-08-20 14:24:26 | Rating: | Views: 36
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