Sorry it's taken a while to get back, I wasn't home.
So, January, yeah.
All of this is non-fiction and actual events.


     I was sitting in my room, thinking about a few days ago at New Years. Luckily, I wasn't the only one who'd apparently forgotten half of their night. Most of the school was foggy minded about the whole night, which was a relief. I was happy school was back, now I could get back on track and stop having holidays to interfere with my goals. I did my nightly 100 sit ups and jumping jacks and once I finished the phone started ringing.
     "Hello?" I answered, slightly out of breath.
     "Hey Kayla, it's me, Will, I'm in the hospital right now," Will said in a weird tone.
     "Wait, why? Are you okay?" I was kind of freaked out.
     "Yeah, I'm fine, but I told my therapist everything. I'm going to a Mental Health Treatment Center for eight weeks and I'm waiting for my ride here," he sounded..nervous? Excited?
     "You're fucking kidding me, why do you have to go to a Treatment Center?"
     "Because of the homicidial thoughts, relationships with my parents, cutting, drinking, and everything else," Will listed, on and on.
     "So? I have problems too, I mean the homicidial thoughts thing, I have them. What am I supposed to tell everyone at school?" My mind was in a panic.
     "I know, but I have problems, and maybe going here would help me. Just tell people at school that I'm visiting family somewhere here in New Mexico," He had it all planned out.
     "I'm going to miss you....seriously," I really was.
     "Well, I am too, I mean you're the only person I'm really calling about this, I put you on my calling list too, so you'll still probably here from me," He reassured me in my panic somehow.
     "Okay, still...I just can't believe I wont see you for two months, I wonder if it'll be anything like that book Impulse," we talked about that book at lot actually, weird how this situation was.
     "Me too, hell, it'll be an expeirience right? And if they help me out that'll be even better, it's for the  best," reassurance, reassurance, so how come I wasn't reassured?
     "I hope they help, if not then...hell I don't know. This all just kind of sucks."
     "I know it does, fuck my phone's about to die, bye Kayla, I'll miss you."
     The phone went dead.
     I re-dialed his number and got the voicemail, I decided to leave a message in hopes of him getting it before he was transported or whatever, "Hey Will, it's me, your phone went dead so I don't expect you to call me back or anything. I really do hope everything'll go okay, I'm going to miss you a ton...I really am. I fucking love you, and miss you already. Bye"
     It was funny how everything went to hell in a few minutes, I had no idea what I was supposed to do for eight weeks of Will being gone, I really didn't. I wanted to fast forever, just to make everything go away, so I decided to fast as long as I could make it. Maybe by the time Will got back I'd be at least a little bit better, still wouldn't be good enough for me or him though. I needed to dissapear, I sweated my way through 400 more sit ups and jumping jacks. Five hundred a night sounded so much more productive than a mere one hundred. Soda was banned from now on. Hell, anything and everything was banned, I didn't need to add on to my imperfect body. This was an eight week challenge to me, which was sick, but it was my way of coping with the pain of someone leaving. 
     
                                                                                   .  .  .

     School was so different. Nicole had transfered school's so I couldn't hang out with her much, I talked to Jeffery and stuff...it just wasn't the same though. I was the go to person to know the wherabouts of Will. I said he was visiting family in Farmington for a month or two. People asked me every day, and I was lying with my photoshopped smile copied and pasted to my face. 
     I actually spent some time with people from my class, which I wasn't used to at all. They told me to get sweets and goodies from the vending machines, I opted to loan out my money to people who wouldn't throw the food away. People gave me money to buy food, because apparently they hadn't seen me eat the whole school year, and they wanted to see it happen at least once. I said my breakfasts were big and my appetite didn't exsist. Everyone all of a sudden nagged and nagged at me, but I kept my goal in mind. 
     Will was on my mind most of the time, people could tell how I was sad. One day I sat at a table I normally never really sat at across from two girls in high school named Lacy and Dana. They talked to me, being polite, although I didn't really listen to them that much until one of them whispered to the other, "She's lost a lot of weight." Right then I stood up and walked away. They were liars, all of them. I hated how nobody could straight up tell me how I really was. Everyone in the world had gone blind.
     My body was empty, clean, and pure. Which was the way God wanted me to be, at least that's what I would think. I was restless, excercising was getting harder every day that passed, but I felt better knowing that food wasn't inside of me. One day I got bored, so I dyed my hair blue. I liked it, but it made me stand out. I wasn't sure if it was good or bad, I need something to change though. Apparently it was fantastic, I got compliments from most of the school, but I didn't know whether or not to believe them. They were still blind, I wish they knew what everything really looked like.          

                                                                                 .  .  .

    Towards the end of January I went from extremely sociable to most people, to closed of and secluded. I missed Will terribly, and I couldn't remember the last time I had anything to eat. Stuff started to feel less and less real to me. Somehow, I managed to keep my grades up without much effort, which confused me a bit. I'd been waiting around three weeks for a call from Will, and nothing had come up. Until one night the caller ID said: Mesilla Valley Mental Health.
     I answered right away, "Hello?"
     "Kayla?" It was Will.
     "Yeah, fuck it's been a while 'ay?" It was good to talk to somebody.
     "Ha, yeah it has been, I have good news," he sounded different, it was hard to explain.
     "Well, tell me then," I crossed my fingers.
     "I coming home early, I can't take this place anymore, my dad doesn't want me here either, so expect to be seeing me soon," he was relieved to say that.
     "Are you serious? You have no idea how much it's sucked without you, no idea," I was ecstatic.
     "Yeah I'm serious, but can you do something for me before I get back?"
     "Uh, yeah, sure," I was kind of confused.
     "Can you eat something for me? I haven't been there to see if you're okay, and well I've been worried."
     "Will, I am fine. Okay? I don't need anything to eat. I mean, I don't look emaciated or anything." 
     "You've said you were fine before, you weren't. Just...please eat something, for me."
     "Okay...not tonight though. I might tomorrow."
     "Good, it'll make me happy, okay? Oh, and you can tell people at school that I'm coming back if they ask."
     "M'kay, will do. God, you have no idea how much I've missed you."
     "Same here, damn, hey, I have to go. My minutes are up. I'll see you soon though. Oh, and I f-ing love you too. Hah. Bye Kayla."
     The phone hung up. I was so happy, so happy. Things were going to get better now, stuff would start feeling real again. For the first time in a long while, I smiled myself to sleep. Tomorrow would be a better day.

                                                                                   .  .  .  

     Will came back late in the week, and when I saw him come onto the bus, he really did look different. His hair wasn't longish at all anymore, he'd chopped it off, still, he managed to make it look really good. We both grinned at eachother and started talking right away. He told me horrors of the place he was at for a few weeks. He told me about the other people there that made an impact on him and stuff. He never wanted to go back, the place made everything worse he said. I told him how absolutely nothing had happened while he was gone.
     School was kind of still weird, me and Will caught up the entire day, but most of the people in our school wanted to catch up with him and here about his visit with his family. Haha. During lunch we linked our arms and everyone stared, it was odd. We talked and talked and talked. The bell for lunch to be over rang, but Will pulled me to the side of one of the buildings.
     "Kayla...I know I can trust you. And you can trust me too, okay? Really, you can," I was confused, like always. 
      "Yeah, I know I can," he didn't let me finish all of what I was going to say.
      "I'm bi," he said.
      "Oh, okay. You know I don't mind. It's not like I'll tell anyone," It was a weird feeling having someone trust me, really weird.
      "I know you wont, that's why I'm telling you. I want you to know that you can tell me things too though," he didn't hesitate to tell me.
      "I know I can tell you things...there's just nothing to tell," I thought that was true.
      "Kayla, look at you," he grabbed my waist, "you look like you've lost twenty pounds since I last saw you."
      I laughed at him, "Well, I haven't. I. Am. Not. Thin. And, I'm okay."
      "You don't look okay, just eat...a little at least," he actually sounded worried again, then he rolled up his sleave and showed me a new scar on his arm, "That place made me do this."
      "Don't. Stop it. You don't...just...don't cut yourself," I stared at his arm.
      "Don't starve yourself," he put his hands my hips this time and squeezed, he felt the bone.
      I didn't know what to do, so I hugged him, "I'm going to your house tonight, and everythings going to be better."
      All he did was nod, the late bell rang. We still just stood there, hugging eachother, some people looked at us, but we really didn't care. I went to class, and listened to music the whole time, again not caring. Me and Will were going to have fun tonight, and forget all of our worries.
I still knew I was going to worry about my hips not jutting enough, my shoulder blades that weren't like wings, and my stomach that wasn't concave. I just wanted both of us to be happy though, so I'd try my best.
      I called my mom and told her to pick me up the next day, she didn't ask any questions and trusted me completely, even after finding out about me drinking on New Years. Wow. The bus ride ended quickly, me and Will jumped off laughing and still catching up with eachother. We decided on our usual activites, watching movies and listening to music. We took some hits from a joint, still doing french hits, even though they weren't needed. After a half hour of screaming to music, we looked through the movies trying to find something good to watch.
      We eventually both agreed to watch some movie called The Dreamers. It was basically a porno with a plotline, and actors who could actually act believable. Suprisingly, it was really good, and wasn't awkward to watch. There was a game they played on the movie called The Forfeit. Someone would act a scene out from a movie, and if they didn't guess right they had to do whatever the person acting the scene out said to do. The game came without warning, and me and Will agreed to play whenever we felt like it. I was excited to play, although I sucked at acting on spot. 
      It hadn't been long until Will started acting out a scene from Death Proof, luckily I guessed without giving up. A few minutes later I sang songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show and did the Time Warp, he couldn't guess, so I didn't know what to make him do. Finally, I decided on him doing a striptease, he didn't have to go completely nude though. I flashed him a big smile and he told me to wait and give him a few minutes to get ready. I was really excited, I waited on the couch impatiently.
      Eventually, he turned on a song called Rock Solid by Dance Gavin Dance, and warned me before hand he wouldn't dance during the speaking parts. I nodded and told him to hurry up already. He rocked his hips and let his pants hang, slowly he started to lift up his shirt, only to let it drop down again. The sound of him singing along with the song was ecstacy in itself. I stared at his slender/toned stomach once his shirt was off, I bet I had the dumbest smile on my face the entire time. The speaking part came on, and everything just stopped for a minute or two (which was incredibly unfair at the moment). The music started again, he kicked off his pants and just stood in his boxers. The song stopped, and he hopped onto the couch with me, we both started laughing.
       He told me to stand up and dance with him, it took forever to coax me to stand up and get off of the couch. Will said we should pick a song, that'd be our "stripping song." We finally ended up choosing Hott by 3OH!3. Lucky me, Will still hadn't put any of his clothes on, but then he told me it was only fair I take some of mine off too. I shook my head and he started dancing, putting his hands around me, getting close. He grabbed my shirt and started lifting it up, making my hips move with his. We were pressed fairly close together and smiling at eachother. I looked down, our hip bones were touching, but I wasn't satisfied with mine, I pulled my shirt back down and went back to the couch. Will told me we should continue what we were doing, but I just said I wasn't good enough yet. He sighed and put his shirt and pants back on, talking about how I apparently was good enough, I kept laughing at what he had to say. Then he talked about the "unnatural curve" of my hips, I said he had them too, but he was barely up to normal weight. Oh well, I was more than normal, to me at least. 
      All of a sudden he started seizuring on the floor, it took me a minute to realize I had to guess which movie it was from. I threw out a couple of random guesses, but I really had no idea. Eventually I gave up, and asked what I had to do. Will told me I had to eat, I managed to make him to postpone it for the next day. I tried making a deal, any deal with him to get out of it, but he wouldn't budge. Then he told me I couldn't throw up the food either, which was my back up plan, I glared at him for a few minutes, then he managed to cheer me up even though I was sort of pissed at him, I needed to find out how he did that. We got out the electric blanket and folded out the couch so we could both sleep on it. We put on some movie to go to sleep to, and went off into slumber not even inches apart, I think I went to sleep smiling that night too.  
      The next morning Will told me I looked pretty when I sleeped because I had a little smile on my face, that made my day entirely. Then, he got out cereal and filled the bowl to the rim, and told me to eat. I ate slowly, and chewed twenty times each bite, trying to figure out how many calories were in it all, but Will wouldn't let me look at the information. I had aten around half the cereal and milk, but I couldn't have another bite, my stomach felt like it'd been torn at the seams. He told me I didn't have to eat anymore, even though I should have. He asked me if he could feel my stomach now that it had food in it, I said no, but he layed his head on my stomach anyways. We ended up getting bored and writing on eachothers legs and stomaches, and yes, it was embarassing to drop my pants just so he could write on my legs and lift up my shirt so he could stain it sharpie green. He did the same for me though, so it was fair.
      "Hey, lets make a deal," Will said out of nowhere.
      "Mmm...what kind of deal?" I asked
      "A deal that'd be good for both of us," he sounded happy about it.
      "Okay. Tell me already," I was sick of deals and agreeing to things I didn't want to do.
      "So, if you eat, without throwing it up. I wont cut myself, but it'll only work out if you eat. When I really get the urge to cut , I count each time you eat," He sounded sure of himself.
      "You make the worst deals ever. I wont eat much, I'm not promising that at all. Everytime I do though, it'll count damn't." I felt bad for not eating now, fuck.
      "Ha, okay, but it really will be for the best," which was true.
      "I'm sure, I'll try to this weekend okay? I really will," a few lies never hurt anyone. It'd be for the best right?



Comments, critiques, and suggestions would be FANTASTIC.
Sorry that it took so long to post.
I also apologize for it not being that well written, I was in a rush.