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| I'm Not Strong Enough, Happy Birthday |
Sept 5, 12:30 am...
Thirty minutes ago I turned 18. Whoop dee doo right? Obviously not, the tone in my writing would've been a bit more cheerful by this point.
The highlights of what happened not long ago are still fresh in my mind like the scent of a kitchen after the warm cooked meal has been made.
I beat an elderly man to the ground
I pushed Lashes to the brink of where she was too frightened to come near me to even get her keys back, she told me to keep the car
I smoked 5 cigs in 10 minutes after I had it in my mind I wouldn't touch more than 1 for a consecutive 6 hours
I might as well have told my best friend Jelly to fuck off as much of an asshole as I was to her even when all she wanted was to know what was wrong with me
So why am I being such a dick? Why didn't I go out tonight like originally planned and have fun with a few friends and Lashes? Enjoy being able to legally walk into a strip club like I had already agreed on doing with everyone...
Let me backtrack...
Fridays are the 2nd day of the week for my group meetings. Last time I went I ran into the Indian man who gave me what I needed for my horrific nightmare explained in my previous blog. Today, he talked to me again as I tried to evade him by any means.
"They'll die!" I froze at that moment and turned back to face him.
"Who?"
"Everyone who is foolhardy enough to care about you"
At this point I ran full force into him and slammed him against a car, drove my fist into the side of his face...and that was when I saw it. Like I had been daydreaming for hours all in a second's time...
I saw my friends, my family, every person I cared about lying in a mess all around me. None of them moving. None of them looking as though they were all attached to their four protruding limbs.
I fell to the ground next to this elderly man and quickly backed away not knowing what the hell this guy wants with me. I didn't want anything to do with him. He just laughed as I walked away shouting it was only a matter of time...
I don't want to see the ones I care about feel pain, especially because of me. I'd rather have them close themselves off to me as I deal with the pain myself. I'm not strong enough to lose anymore people in my life because of my actions.
So I pushed away, but I don't want to lose them in life either. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Could these flashes be real? This guy legit? I don't want to believe he is but I don't know how to explain this phenomenon.
Please let him be full of shit
R.
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Posted by Shadows on 2009-09-05 01:49:30 | Rating: | Views: 49
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