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Confused

So I think that I really like him. It was fine when we weren't talking, but now....he just makes me laugh. He makes me smile just thinking about him. Its been a long time since I've done that. I know I can't, that I would lose Silja & Ash. But, I do. I do and I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep it to myself. I know that Ash is right and I KNOW what would happen, but for the moment it just seemed right. When did I become this person?
The person who lives for the moment?!?! The moment isn't what will help your future, but I really think that I'm falling and I like the fall; its the crash at the end that gets me. But I mean, come on!!!!

He uses my name. That hasn't been done since Justin. It just makes things seem more personal sometimes, like words have more meaning to them than they should. I know that its just me reading more into this than I should, but I've always been like that, especially after the whole Andrew thing. I mean he only used my name if he was yelling at me or reprimanding me or whatever; it was always in a negative way. I mean, I kinda like my name I'm not gonna lie. I like Lindsey, I think its the right number of syllabuls, I think that it rolls off your tongue just right, and more importantly I think I look like a Lindsey!

I like Seok Hwa too, but that name seems like it should belong to someone exotic and much prettier than me. I look in the mirror and see plain old Lindsey. But its still Lindsey, not the unnamed person. Not just her, that girl, hey you....but Lindsey. I know I'm really reading too much into this, but it means a lot to me that he does that.

I know that I'm only hurting myself in the long run here, that I need to get over this guy and FAST. But there's a part of me that just doesn't want to do that. There's a part that wants to tell him and see what happens from there. I mean the guy actually read all of my myspace icons!!! Wow, I'm impressed. I just love that I can talk to him, for HOURS about nothing but its still the best conversation.

I just need a way to make him completely unattractive to me or I need a slap in the face to wake back up to reality. I can't lose Ash, especially over a guy who will fall for the next girl who looks his way...

But more importantly, I can't fall for him because I deserve a guy who truly, genuinely cares for me. What Joshua said may have been to try and impress Ash, but it was so true. The next guy will deserve it.

I think I'm finally getting back...but isn't it funny how I'm happier now and no longer depressed and it happened at the same time I started talking to him?

LOL, I'm pathetic.....